Budget-Slashed Plods Bill Victims

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Frank McNump, a Smegmadale-on-Sea resident, told a reporter from the Ripoffs Gazette that the local Plod Squad, who were supposed to be tasked with policing his Scallyfield Hamlets sink or swim council housing estate, have saddled him with a £5,000 quid repair bill after their vehicles were damaged while in pursuit of his car – stolen by teenage yobster joy-riders.

The 96-year old McNump informed the media that the Smegmadale police sent his Cuckoo Cover insurance company a repair bill for the damage to their vehicles following the car theft incident last August, which has since raised his premiums by £4 grand per annum.

McNump maintains he had already paid £600 nicker out of his own pocket to have his Volkswagen Golf repaired after it incurred severe damage during the car chase when the speed-crazed Plod Squad played ‘suicide sandwich’ with the Golf in the middle and kept ramming it to scare the living shit out of the thieves – then forked out a further £200 quid to get his motor released from impound after police finally cornered the vehicle and the scally joy-riders fled the scene.

“It’s all a big bag of crap, this getting’ punished through no fault of me own. I’m a victim of car theft an’ didn’t go through me own insurance ter get me motor repaired cos it woz cheaper ter repair the fuckin’ thing meself. If these useless plods had bin doin’ their job in the first place an’ protectin’ property like they’re paid ter do – an’ slammin’ car-thieving twats an’ scallies behind bars, then me car would never have bin nicked in the first place.”

Alas for Mr McNump, and too the rest of our hapless society, this is the shape of things to come – a social and public services system financed by penalties imposed by the agency involved regardless of what you’ve been paying in taxes.
Hence reflecting on the Libservative Chancellor Georgie Boy Oddbourne’s policy of slashing budgets to the bone and ushering in a state of economic mayhem, perhaps it’s time to fire the entire Plod Squad and each community hire its own insular corporate mercenaries from Slackwater XE – or Renta-Thug.

A team of bounty hunters tasked with piecework and paid by the scalp. Now that should thin out the ranks of the anti-social Asbo yobsters and thieving scallies – with a few Sharia style punishments thrown in for good measure – with the loss of one hand the mandated penalty for car theft – first offence.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.