Friday, 1 October 2010

NHS Waiting Times Fubar

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

According to a report in this morning’s Daily Shitraker, information leaked from inside the NHS by whistle-blowing moles working for Ox-Rat, the international snitch and grassers watchdog charity, thousands of patients have been denied surgery or had it delayed until they reached a ‘one foot in the grave’ status due a conspiracy of waiting list fiddles.

Hospital managers at a legion of dodgy NHS Trusts have resorted to 'connivance and deliberate manipulation' to meet fantasy Government targets on queues for operations – utilising devious scams such as the spot-scheduling of major surgery when they knew a patient would be on holiday, then dropping them from the waiting list for not attending the hospital on the appointed date simply because they were abroad and hadn’t received notification.

Sir Irwin Bogbrush, the Tory MP for Borkum Riff and incumbent Secretary for Snafu’s, recently discovered to his aghast horror that some hospitals have been massaging figures since the end of the Boer War – with records routinely fiddled to hide patients waiting longer than the Government's stipulated 18-month maximum – for simple procedures such as Guinness enemas, ingrowing foreskins and haemorrhoid banding.

This spurred an investigation into NHS trusts, which unearthed a catalogue of deception affecting around 6,000,000 patients – half of whom are now dead -which led to the Ministry for Snafu’s sacking or demanding the resignations of a score of managers – yet in the process and ensuing wake, created an even bigger scandal as those fired were given mega-bucks compensation packages and then rehired by the NHS in some lesser administrative capacity – such as morticians or clap doctor’s clerks.

Sir Irwin confided to one reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette “This is a direct result of Labour's insane obsession with list targets, even at the expense of patients' care, which has resulted in systematic and widespread manipulation of patient surgery target figures in the most cynical way.”

However the ‘milk snatching' Libservative Health Minister Anne Stilton, Tory MP for Twatford-on-the-Wold, failed to agree with Sir Irwin’s findings, stating in total contradiction “One of this Government’s most important aims is to reduce these surgery requirements by focusing on a pro-active approach to the nation’s health – with “prevention being better than cure” to be established as the NHS motto, and as Minister for Public Health I will do all I can to cut down on the expenditure for unnecessary surgery when patients simply need more exercise and get on a Jamie Oliver diet.”

The Common Purpose-trained Stilton, a spiky-haired punk cross between a Fraggle Rock refugee, the Gollum and a cassowary that got trapped in a car wash – presents a personality who makes one seriously ponder “Was she the inspiration for the word ‘ugly?” – and is described by friends, family and colleagues alike as a menopausal and hysterical psychotic – remembered best from her NHS nursing years for emptying bedpans and administering enemas and prostate massages.

Dr Minjeeta Rugmuncher, a medical consultant for Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot, the UK’s leading personal injury claim attorneys, informed the Undertakers Gazette “Regardless of the Ministry for Snafu’s report or whatever that old trout Annie Stilton says, if your GP refers you for surgery at a NHS hospital, don’t hold your breath- simply jump on a plane and get it done in Poland or Bulgaria.”
“Really, I’m not kidding. The moral of the story is: If you need an abortion in the UK – go private – cos if you wait for an NHS-scheduled job then the kid will be three years old and ready for kindergarten by the time you get a hospital appointment. However, sunny side up you might be preggers again and cop for an abortion second-time around.”

Have you been on a NHS surgery waiting list for over 18 months? Did your ailment go away of its own accord? Have you ever contemplated trying Surgery for Dummies and doing it yourself? Does your local vet have a long waiting list for simple surgical procedures - like brain tumour excisions? Log onto YouTube and watch one American macho cowboy attempt to remove his own appendix with a box cutter – footage runs 15 minutes – including helicopter medevac airlift and funeral.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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