Sunday, 31 October 2010

Council Tax Now ‘Venture Capital’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Whistleblowers working for Scum-Watch, the local council abuse sentinel charity, have exposed a scandal involving one London borough authority that set up a private company using public money and concocted heinous plans allowing it to devise a ‘nice little earner’ perk by splitting 25% of all profits between senior staff.

Under the numpty statutes of the wholly misguided and corrupt ‘Risk Capital’ provisions of the Local Government Act 2003, authorities are allowed to set up trading companies using surplus council tax funds – with the idea being that profits would be pumped back into front-line services for residents – an absolute and dire necessity since the Libservative coalition have slashed local authority subsidies in their recent scorched earth ‘Spending Review’.

The incriminating documents obtained by Scum-Watch’s ‘Snitch n Grassers Squad’ reveal that in 2007 the kleptomaniacs in charge at the Conservative-run Skidrow Hamlets Council set up ‘Tealeaf Trading’, a private company registered to its Town Hall address.

Research by journalists from the Daily Shitraker uncovered damning evidence that the Mayor and senior Aldermen have diverted council resources and manual labour personnel onto private landscape gardening contracts, installing conservatories and laying asphalt driveways for their cronies – plus conducted a felonious campaign of stealing cast iron manhole and drain covers from neighbouring Metropolitan boroughs to sell as scrap.

According to Frank Jobsworth, a waste recycling operative turned super-grass, who was press ganged into duties not included in his employment description - compost-making and bagging for Tealeaf Trading – his salary has continued to be paid by Skidrow Hamlets Council.

Threatened with exposure as the type of person who hangs around public toilets and grooms sheep out on the moors, Bazzer McScrote, the Council’s Director for Petty Embezzlement, admitted to a reporter from the Scandalmongers Gazette that council employees seconded to work for Tealeaf Trading had their wages footed by the taxpayer. Further to this, the mayor and Chief Alderman had agreed to establish an incentive bonus scheme to divvy out 25% of profits to senior ranking council officials – as a generous reward for ‘innovation’.

Due the ludicrous logic that Tealeaf Trading is a private corporation and not a public body (even though wholly financed with public funds) Skidrow Hamlets Council is not, by law, liable to respond to Freedom of Information requests concerning its commercial trading records or financial turn-over.
Hence due this restrictive provision, rabid rumours are rampant that Tealeaf Trading neither owns nor leases any essential commercial paraphernalia or premises, with all personnel, office trappings, transport and plant equipment being sourced from council stocks and further billed to municipal accounts.

However, this is not the first time Westminster Council has faced criticism over financial mismanagement on a Conrad Black / Bernie Jackoff criminal scale. Last May there were calls for an inquiry after it emerged the dodgy ‘Scally Cash’ hedge fund, owned by council leader Alderman Frankie Fagin went bust, owing the authority almost £20,000 in unpaid business rates.
Alderman Fagin, a former gully-sucker’s mate, who had £350,000 of Skidrow Hamlet’s cash invested in several other dodgy sub-prime mortgage funds in Buenos Aries, Panama and Mexico City, has since refused to reimburse his own council for its losses.

Ms Beverly Titwank, campaign manager at the Taxpayers' Alliance pressure group, told one reporter from the Kleptomania Herald "It's effin’ scandalous that Tealeaf Tradin’ ‘ave established a facility ter divert profit away from services ter line the pockets of their own money-grubbin’ greedy bastard staff, wot’s already paid too effin’ much – an’ here’s me wiv a bleedin’ big pothole outside me driveway an’ these twats won’t fill it in cos of the Spendin’ Review budget cuts.”

Thought for the day: Misuse of public money as ‘venture capital’ for personal gain has got to come under the heading of ‘criminal offence’ – hasn’t it? Or, if not, then as Dicken’s Mr Bumble the Beadle once commented “The law is an ass.”
Hmmm, something stinks in Denmark, and it isn’t Hamlet’s socks.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

No comments: