UK Metropolis to Evict Paupers

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Libservative coalition government ministers came in for a well-deserved shower of flack and verbal abuse last night when they were accused of deliberately driving marginalised members of the common herd out of the wealthier areas of the UK’s inner cities after London councils dropped a bombshell by revealing they were preparing for a mass exodus of low-income families from the Metropolis due the Chancellor of the Exchequer emasculating the nation’s welfare system and slashing housing benefit to the detriment of those unemployed members of British society – commonly known as ‘the poor’.

Representatives of London’s Skidrow Hamlets borough informed MPs at the House of Conmans that they have already block-booked railway arches and public toilets - and set up tents and waterproof cardboard box accommodations on every single canal bank and landfill site - and in alleyways - from Hastings, on the south coast, to Reading to the west, Canvey Island to the east, and Luton to the north – to house the hundreds of thousands who’ll be priced out of the London market and evicted from their homes the next time the rent comes due.

London Mayor Bonkers Boris Nonsense cautioned Downing Street that he wouldn’t tolerate ‘Kosovo-style social cleansing on his watch – and further warned that if this plan goes ahead then 82,000 families – more than 200,000 people – face losing their homes because private landlords, enjoying a healthy rental market buoyed by arrogant yuppies who can’t afford to buy but have their leases covered as a tax-free corporate salary perk, will refuse to cut their rents to the level of caps imposed by Posh Dave Scameron’s government.

Deputy Prime Minister Mick Clogg was quick to react, telling hacks from the gutter press red top tabloids that he strongly disagreed with Bonkers Boris’s remarks and considered mention of social – or ethnic - cleansing as deeply offensive – especially so to Rwandan refugees from the Tutsi tribe – or Bosnian and Kosovan Muslims, on a difficult and sensitive issue – beheadings – and promised that was not going to happen to tenants facing eviction in his neighbourhood.

Meanwhile the totally-tonsured Business Secretary Vince Cobblers had to get his two-penneth in also and prove he’s good for something, accusing Bonkers Boris of ‘highly inflammatory’ language – by telling the truth – a most politically incorrect act.

This controversy follows in the crap-mired footsteps of the politically incorrect comments made last week by the arrogant Works and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Shitt, a man who thinks ‘Manual Labour’ is a Spaniard, and stated for the public record that the unemployed masses should "get their arses into gear and go and look for work – and stop begging off the government.”

Oh dear Iain, not very well informed are we. Hasn’t the cloth-eared twat heard there are no jobs going, that Parliament fucked up big time when his old boss Maggie Twatcher de-industrialised the UK back in the 1980’s and kicked the prefix ‘Great’ down the drain so that ‘Britain’ is now preceded by the word ‘Broken’.

Well, after decades of misrule by ‘Red Mole’ Harold Wilson, Edward ‘Piranha’ Heath, ‘Stoker Jim’ Callaghan, then Twatcher, Major, Bliar and Broon – and now Scameron and Clogg in coalition, no wonder the country’s fucked up like a soup sandwich and in a recession that’s more at ‘depression’ and looks set to last forever – if not longer.

In a sign that housing benefit cuts are becoming the most sensitive political issue for the coalition – a veritable ‘weapon of mass distraction’, Jack McCrudd, the Labour MP for Old Scrotum, last night accused the Scameron & Clogg coalition leadership of deliberate social engineering.

"Let’s call this scenario for what it really is: an exercise in social and economic cleansing. Bonkers Boris got it spot on cos’ entire families will be thrown into turmoil, with children having to move school and the unemployed and those working less than 16 hours a week commuting hundreds of miles to sign on at their Jobcentre. Watch this space, mothers will be killing their own babies – just like tigers do. Cannibalism will become rife and endemic.”

“This nasty bit of social engineering is tantamount to eradicating unemployed paupers from the wealthier inner city areas. Not only have the working class now been re-branded as the ‘Unemployed Class’ but this government is out to decimate the ranks of the middle class too – have them down there with the poor – pariahs together in misery.”

“Mark my words, the middle class were created as a buffer between the Second and Third Estates after the French and Russian revolutions. So, who will be their target when their kid’s bellies are empty? - the rich and shameless – and the government who bestowed this tragedy upon them all. Messrs Scameron and Clogg are going to be about as popular as chemotherapy. Just wait until the Winter Fuel Allowance gets the chop too – then the pensioners will be up in arms – and getting flash frozen in their beds when the global cooling phenomenon kicks in again with a vengeance next month.”

Conversely, if the money-grubbing landlords refuse to cut their rents to the level of caps imposed by the government – and if it’s legal for greedy twats to evict tenants as their housing benefit subsidy doesn’t cover the ante, then enact legislation to enforce them to accept the rent caps - or enforce compulsory purchase of their properties.

Hey, for fuck’s sake, we’re already more than halfway there to being a fascist state, with the EUSSR running things from Brussels – so why no go the whole hog in one fell swoop and stop pissing around with all this problem-reaction-solution tip-toe approach crap.

Do you live in London? Were you receiving housing benefit? Have you been evicted for non-payment of rent yet? Do you know anyone with a vacant tree house? Ever thought of moving to Poland?
Send us your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a year’s free accommodation in a stylish two-up / two-down cardboard box situated on the Isle of Dogs.

Though for the day: If this ‘housing benefit’ fiasco is Posh Dave Scameron's idea of “compassionate Conservatism”, then give us Stalin’s brand of Communism any day.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

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