Tory Plutocrats Deny Tax-Dodge Hypocrisy

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Channel 69 is currently embroiled in a mega-nuclear explosive row with the Government over their controversial ‘Scumbags Expose’ programme conducting an investigation into the nefarious financial affairs of Posh Dave Scameron’s Libservative Coalition Cabinet Ministers.

The documentary reports on, and corroborates with hard evidence, a legion of allegations targeting millionaire Ministers - including Chancellor George Oddball; Minister for Things with Wheels, Philip Scammond; and the Secretary for Wasting Time & Money, Andrew Shitchell.

Last night, all three of the ‘accused’ strongly denied any implication that they’d acted improperly by deploying tax-avoidance scams, with the obviously paranoid Minister Scammond shitting proverbial kittens and going into a ‘guilty conscience / something to hide’ defensive posture by hurling litigative threats at the programme’s producers; warning that his lawyers at Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot would be watching this week’s edition of Scumbags Expose - on the lookout for any home truths that can safely be denied and classed as slanderous innuendo.

This act prompted one reporter from the Daily Shitraker red top gutter press tabloid to speculate “While we recognise the fact that Scammond is a politician and hence a career slimeball, what kind of a half-honest bloke keeps a stable of expensive lawyers standing by on Defcon One, armed with a fistful of writs for slander and libel?”

To add a lavish pinch of piquant spice to the clamour and confusion, the Foreign Office has now got its knickers in a twist and kicked off tilting at windmills after learning that the report claims the manky civil service mandarins running the show on behalf of that inept closet case William Vague, have granted special financial treatment to the Cayman Islands – an infamous tax and drug money laundering haven – thus indirectly, yet with purpose aforethought, benefiting companies run by Conservative Party donors.

Channel 69’s Scumbags Expose has been tactically scheduled to coincide with the initiation of the painful and sanguine chop of the planned public spending cuts, and will serve to illustrate the ironic hypocrisy of the Coalition’s claim that ‘we are all in this together’, before delving into some of the ‘wealth management’ strategies that Tory Ministers are employing to avoid taxation and preserve their ever-expanding fortunes.

The report claims that Minister Scammond acted in a felonious manner last year to limit (read ‘avoid’) his exposure to the new 50 pence top rate of tax by moving shares in his Slumborough-based ‘Hovels-R-Us’ property business into the name of his wife Slapperella, who pays tax at a significantly lower rate. Scammond cunningly shifted the shares as soon as the 50p rate was announced – a full six months before it came into effect in April – a move he has since imprudently boasted saves him more than £26,000 quid a year in tax.

Scumbags Expose ably demonstrates that Scammond, who is rumoured to be ‘very, very rich’ and worth what City banksters refer to as ‘lots and lots of money’ – is guilty of gross hypocrisy if not actions that transgress the criminal code.
Scammond has stated for the public record that he personally never cops for a brass farthing from his Hovels-R-Us property business in salary, instead receiving payment in the form of share dividends – a tax-dodging measure employed by wealthy pond scum and bottom feeders to do HM Revenue & Customs service out of their due.

Minister Scammond, the Tory MP for Runnynose, a man who vainly brags of being a 5th Dan black belt in ‘cormorant strangling, is no stranger to controversy or criticism concerning his financial fiddles – as instanced in 2009 when, during the opportune expose of MP’s scandalous expenses, it emerged that he claimed just £8 quid short of the £23,000 maximum allowance for a second home at Scumborough Hamlets in London from 2007 to 2008 – even though he lived in the commuter belt town of Wankington - within easy commuting distance of Westminster.
In answer to criticism on this matter Scammond, an avid tea spoon collector, (a hobby funded by the common tax-paying peasants) protested that regardless of not needing a second home, and in keeping with his reputation as a greedy twat, he’d continue to claim his allowance for such until the Parliamentary rules were changed.

In 2009 Scammond claimed a total of £125,000 quid in expenses – on top of his already-bloated MP’s salary - and had the audacity to vote against MP’s having to provide receipts for their expense claims.
Hmmm, little wonder he is described by political opponents as ‘a cunt in cunt’s clothing’ – and a person who inspires one to count their fingers after embracing his dead fish handshake.

Scumbags Expose goes on to raise the question as to why Andrew Shitchell, the Minister for Wasting Time & Money, whose job is to alleviate world poverty, has personally made large returns on investments in the British Virgin Islands, another tax dodge haven.
It further highlights a Government policy U-turn over the Cayman Islands, which is the base for companies run by wealthy Tory donors such as Sir Hugh Skank, worth £185 zillion nicker, and Lord Michael Kuntze, worth £250 zillion.

In 2009 the then Labour Foreign Minister Ghengis McScrunt tried to force the islands to introduce direct taxation by restricting their access to loans to plug a budget deficit.

However, within weeks of the new Libservative Government taking power, the demand had been dropped and the Foreign Office had granted permission for the islands to borrow an extra £100 million quid from the UK Treasury – even though the British electorate are facing massive public spending cuts.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Thought for the day: Would you agree that the only thing worse on the Periodic Table of Scumsters than a politician is a kiddie fiddling Catholic priest – or an Aberdeen pederast hiding behind a Sheriff's badge?

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