Saturday, 2 October 2010

Cashcroft Wins Major Tax-Dodgers Award

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Lord ‘Mick the Miser’ Cashcroft, described by family, friends and business associates alike as “the dodgy side of crooked crony capitalism”, has continued to avoid paying mega-zillions of pounds in British taxes (any taxes ‘anywhere’ in fact) despite swearing on a mixed stack of King James and Vulgate Bibles, Korans, Torahs and Watchtowers, to set a good ‘Tory’ party example and become a full-time UK resident and responsible taxpayer.

The devious Conservative peer confirmed his corrupt duplicity concerning tax liabilities earlier this year when he transferred ownership of his main UK company, the Scumbag Group, to a trust for the benefit of his poxy brood of spotty children. Cashcroft, who is set to resign as deputy chairman of the Conservative Party, transferred his £17 zillion quid stake in the Scumbag Group on April 5th.

Conveniently, the very next day, on April 6th, a new law took effect which compelled the Second Estate shits dossing in the House of Lords to pay tax on their worldwide income and assets. Had the crafty Cashcroft made the change one day later - specifically on the 6th - he would have faced a hefty inheritance tax bill under the new legislation.

Jacko Ponzi, editor of the Tax Dodgers Review, commented “If Cashcroft had done the transfer on the following day, assets worth £17 zillion nicker going into trust would have been subject to tax at 20%, which would have created an immediate inheritance tax charge of something in the region of £3.5 zillion quid - so the crooked old git avoided that by doing the transfer on April 5th."

Ron Bogbrush, director of the Ox-Rat graft and corruption watchdog commented “This is so typical of these mega-rich twats advising the UK government on how much duty to slam on petrol and beer an’ ciggies – an’ rammin’ VAT up ter the roof ter tax the livin’ shit out of us peasant types, yet yer read Cashcroft’s 2007 best-seller ‘Getting Rich for Dummies’ an’ the core philosophy ter obtaining and maintainin’ wealth is “don’t give any ter the taxman”.
“I mean, this bloke’s takin’ the piss an’ rubbin’ our noses in it. He’s a strutting capon - pomposity on two legs – collectin’ Victoria Cross medals wot’ he’s got no entitlement ter. Come the Day of the Rope, he’ll be one of the first in the tumbrels an’ fer the chop.”

Mysteriously the BBC’s scheduled Scamorama programme broadcast focusing on Lord Cashcroft’s dodgy non-residency status and offshore tax evasion practices was cancelled at the last minute and became an X-File when the Beeb’s craven Director General Mork Blobson received several very nasty phone calls from upper government figures.

The multi-zillionaire businessman might not have transgressed or broken any laws by utilising this dodgy family trust, however his actions are in total conflict with the coalition government's stance on tax avoidance – plus constitute a morally reprehensible and dishonest action – and typically - at 180 degree odds with the spirit of what he originally promised.

Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s lexicon of 250,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes Cashcroft or his avaricious and monopolistic condition. However it has been unanimously agreed by a conclave of critics that the word CUNT comes pretty close.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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