Saturday, 30 October 2010

Maldives Wedding Vows Fubar

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Chief Winnebago Chuckabutty, the tribal leader of Scally Island, part of the South Crockashit Atoll group in the manky Maldives (previously named the Hostility Islands), has personally apologised to a married couple of British tourist visitors who came with the intention of splurging a few quid and renewing their wedding vows while vacationing around the Indian Ocean archipelago.

Chief Chuckabutty condemned the actions of roguish staff members at the 5-star Ripoff Reefs resort that mocked and insulted Jack and Nora Numpty, who hail from Moron Hamlets at Smegmadale-on-Sea, during their vows renewal ceremony.

The ceremony is part of an elaborate and expensive wedding package offered by the resort where guests stay in cabins on stilts in the turquoise sea and can piss in a dolphin’s ear - or crap on basking turtles - with Scally Island being part of a chain of islands centrally located among the Loadashit-Maldives-Chagrot archipelago – some 128 km south of Male International Airport.

Scally Island can be reached from Male by seaplane – a 35 minute flight – or by a fifteen hour windsurfer trip – or - for the real adventure vacationer – a three day swim through shark-infested pristine clear waters that afford the high risk tourist the chance of being attacked by a migrating polar bear – or to see their own leg getting bitten off by Jaws’ brother.

A video recording of the disgraceful nuptial vows event, taken by resort staff, which shows the happy couple blissfully unaware as their marriage is declared illegal, was posted on YouTube earlier this week and clocked up an excess of 750,000 hits in two days.
In the YouTube video, the couple are seen seated opposite a local Muslim dervish, Yodcocca Tadpole who explains the ceremony to them in his version of the English language before switching to the local Dhivehi dialect and commencing his derogatory piss-take – much to the raucous amusement of the inebriated resort employees.

The Rev Tadpole then kicks off by telling bizarre sexual jokes involving chickens before intonating in the style of prayers and unleashing a torrent of abuse and insults on the couple, stating “Your Christian marriage is a bag of shit. You are both infidels of the uncircumcised Western filth and the Great Satan. In my eyes you are both atheists who do not worship the one true God – Allah. You will never go to Paradise but burn in Hell.”

"You fornicate with poofters and lesbians and dogs – and will have flocks of spotty bastard honkey children with fucked up dentistry. You drink alcoholic piss and you eat dead pigs. You even fornicate with pigs and chickens and sheep – and catch all kinds of nasty sexual diseases.”

Following the ceremony, the couple are taken to plant a coconut tree together, and then encouraged to pee on the roots as a blessing of growth (reputedly a native custom) - during which act various lewd comments are clearly heard on the video’s soundtrack concerning Nora's hirsute snatch and dangling piss flaps - and the size of the Jack’s penis – or rather lack of it.

The first time the Numpty’s became aware they had been grossly insulted during their £820 quid ceremony was upon receiving an e-mail from friends pointing them to a Google post and the YouTube video clip, where the local Dhivehi language insults were translated to English via subtitles – which have since been graded as a Level 10-plus on the ‘International Disrespect’ scale.

An investigation conducted by local police has discovered that the offending dervish and the attending resort workers had been on a bender prior to the wedding vows renewal ceremony, downing litres of coconut liquor, chewing the narcotic betel nut and smoking ganja biftas – hence their totally fucked up state and gross impropriety towards foreign guests.

According to Police Chief Julius Jaffacake, the mad dervish, Yodcocca Tadpole has a history of such offences emanating from his radical Islamic views and hatred of Infidels - and whose name repeatedly appears in the local foul-mouthed gobshites register as a chronic Tourettes Syndrome sufferer.

Speaking to a reporter from the Blasphemers Gazette, Jack Numpty commented “Well, if we knew we was gonna get insulted like that we could have saved a few bob an’ gone ter Africa for one of them cheapo witch doctor voodoo curse type wedding vows renewals or stayed at effin’ home an’ got the local Druid shaman ter do it fer us at Halloween on Sunday.”
“It’s not really on, is it, getting’ severely dissed after payin that kind of cash out fer the ceremony. So fuck it, we’re goin’ back ter Torremolinos next year.”

Chief Chuckabutty told one reporter from the Scandalmongers Review that "The behaviour by the staff was absolutely disgraceful and I am disgusted by it. It has caused enormous damaged to our country's tourist industry and we are launching a full investigation into what the fuck went so terribly wrong.”

A Maldives tourism representative in London told hacks from the gutter press “Tourism will be drastically affected by this. It cannot be swept under the carpet – especially so as we don’t have any carpets – and very few rugs. In our Muslim-majority Maldives we are a nation of tiny coral islands that are in danger of sinking into the sea and so we rely heavily on tourism – and due this most unfortunate incident prospective Western holiday-makers now know what the local Muslim population think of them – and that does not auger well for business.”

Did you get married in the Maldives? Was the mullah / dervish nice and polite or did he call you both a pair of heathen twats? Should the Church of England adopt a similar approach and add more insults to the ceremony. Would you mind if the Vicar called your bride a gopher-toothed whore?

* Carbon Credits Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: The sea level in the Maldives remained unchanged while posting this message. However, as a large number of tourists have cancelled their planned desert island wedding vacations and opted for a Romanian gypsy nuptial ceremony instead, the weight of the resulting shit dropping on the place has caused them to sink several inches.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

No comments: