Sunday, 10 October 2010

Cookie Grooming Charges Crunched

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Education chiefs in Ulster have been labelled as a gaggle of total incompetents and not fit for purpose after investigative actions on their part resulted in a school catering supervisor facing allegations of grooming a 13-year old male pupil - for allowing him to have a biscuit.

The education body covering the St Sappho of the Sacred Dildo School in Fookborough, County Fermanagh, has been ordered by the Ombudsman to apologise to the accused woman, Mrs Candida Jaffacake, for the neo-Nazi Gestapo manner in which it investigated the incident.

One of the meetings with the school’s Common Purpose-trained (read NLP-brainwashed) principal, Mr Genghis McTwatt, lasted over an hour and he demanded she undergo a psychological evaluation to determine if she had paedophile tendencies - and further obtain a Vetting & Barring scheme clearance certificate.

Mrs Jaffacake decided to quit her job and file a case of ‘Constructive Dismissal’ with the Employment Tribunal service against the school authorities - and specifically Principal McTwatt - as she rightly considered she’d been subjected to a witch hunt over giving a trivial singular biscuit to a hungry kid.

Mrs Jaffacake, colloquially known as a ‘dinner lady’, was subjected to three Stasi style interrogations, firstly with the acting principal then two with the school principal, Mr McTwatt.
During the final meeting she was handcuffed to a chair, had her eyelids stapled open and an arc light beamed into her face as she was beaten with a length of rubber hose then subjected to a session of water boarding across the principal’s desk – to force her to confess there was more to the ‘biscuit’ incident than she was letting on- and she was a stalking pederast out to seduce little boys for her personal sexual gratification.

She made a complaint to the WELB, the body responsible for education, which passed the buck directly to the Northern Ireland Ombudsman, Paddy Fuctifino.
His report concluded that the school had resorted to illegal measures of ‘extraordinary rendition’ when investigating the accusations of ‘grooming’ against Mrs Jaffacake, and further failed to address complaints made about her treatment "promptly and appropriately".

In their own pathetic defence, the St Sappho school governors and Principal McTwatt drew attentions to the new EUSSR regulations concerning teachers and ‘dinner ladies’ giving out biscuits to pupils – that such could, under the stupid political correctness regime, be construed as bribery, solicitation or seduction – and specifically covered the haphazard issue of jammy dodgers, ginger snaps, almond fingers, wagon wheels, chocolate digestives and fig newton’s to minors.

Mrs Jaffacake told one reporter from the Daily Spud-Picker “What the hell are yer expected ter do in a case like that, when a wee lad comes up ter yer an’ asks all sweet-faced an’ innocent-like “Please Miss, can I have a biscuit?” Really, wot do yer say? - “Fuck off, yer scroungin’ little twat!”- ?”
“All this bloody aggravation over an effin’ biscuit – could yer believe it. Thank Christ nobody saw me givin’ him a pair of me used panties ter sniff at when he has a wank.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of lunacy, biscuit crumbs and squirrel shit.

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