Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Skewed News Views Roundup

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In answer to impish heckling from a cadre of ne’er-do-well, disaffected Labour MPs squatting idly on the backbenches of the House of Conmans, attacking the government's austerity measures being enacted to combat the economic abyss created by past Tory blunders ‘and’ specifically 13 years of Gordon ‘Culpability’ Broon and Alastair Darling in charge of the nation’s piggy bank, Libservative coalition Chancellor Georgie Oddbourne, the incumbent Tory MP for Twatton-on-the-Wold, declared for the Hansard record today that ‘oceans divided’ French MEP Mme Ratshita Dotti and himself concerning their individual grasp on matters of international finance.

Mme Dotti recently proved beyond doubt the veracity of the precepts of the Peter Principle - that in any bureaucratic hierarchy every employee will eventually rise to their greatest level of incompetence.
This homespun sin was made while delivering a speech to the Brussels assembly concerning the EUSSR’s economy, where she committed a stellar embarrassing faux pas by confusing oral sex with inflation when she announced with her customary ‘Barbie’ grasp on matters political or fiscal, that members of the union’s 27 states needed to cut down on ‘fellatting’ each other and readjust their social outlay budgets accordingly.

Oddbourne then went on to point out he was fully cognisant of the difference between ’inflation and a blow job’, and cited direct evidence of this with reference to Whitehall’s Gay Gordon Bath House, who have now bumped up the rates for a suck n spit gamarouche from a mere previous £50 quid to £65 - excluding prostate massage – and with a full suck-swallow-suck BJ running up a hefty £120 nicker due the increase in the price of industrial strength antiseptic gargle and mint gobwash.

Man’ United’s love rat striker, Wayne ‘the Dog Wanker’ Rooney, has been served with divorce papers by attorneys acting for wife Coleen.
His Scouse missus told a reporter from the Cuckold Gazette that she wanted the tosser out of her life so she could concentrate on her flourishing ‘Shitwood’ clothing range enterprise.
Apparently Wayne has gone into hiding at one of Prague’s 200-plus brothels - suffering from the after-effects of extra-marital rendition.

Disaster struck at the Commonwealth Games in Delhi yesterday when current Formula One world champion Jason van Zipp lost control of his Ferrari ‘Le Mans’ model machine in the ‘24 hour Segway’ event, causing a 185 mph high speed pile-up of clusterfuck proportions involving several of the two-wheeled units.

Jailed pop star George Michael has told reporters he’s received "no special treatment of any kind" during his time in prison, but provided with love and compassion and exceptional kindness by all the other prisoners.

The former Wham! Bam! Slam! singer, real name Georgios Panpizza, received an eight-week sentence last month after he crashed his Mobility scooter while under the stupefying influence of his own celebrity importance.

"Most of my days have been spent bending over the pool table assuming the position as none of the other prisoners had ever had sex with, or bummed, a celebrity pop star before.”

The singer was found slumped at the wheel of his Scatterbrain Sapphire mobility scooter after it crashed into a branch of Eros Adult Sex Aids in Hampstead, north London last July, demolishing the entire butt plug and jackrabbit vibrator displays.

Michael, who appeared at London's Highbury Corner Magistrates' Court in August and had a previous conviction for grooming underage sheep on Facebook, was told by District Judge Ghengis McTwatt there was no option but to impose a custodial sentence at one of Her Majesty’s sodomite paradises.


A Vatican official yesterday announced that the awarding of the Nobel Prize for Medicine to British IVF pioneer Dr Frank Scrunt is "completely out of order” and “simply not on".
Ignacio Corruptioni de Sodomotti, head of the Catholic Church’s Pontifical Academy for Life, informed a reporter from the Hypocrisy Gazette that the award had really pissed Pope Benny off big-time as it ignored the ethical questions raised by the fertility treatment.

“Who is this man to bypass the role of God and assume to create life? We are the only religious institution with a divine franchise to act in God’s name when He’s busy with other Heavenly matters.”

Hmmm, conversely, while the Pope might rail against the Nobel award and the moral vacuum at the heart of modernity, he seems to overlook the fact he’s still presiding over the biggest paedophile ring in recorded history.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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