Thursday, 7 October 2010

UN to Impose Breathing Tax

In this morning’s ‘Super-Duper Mega Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to yet another ’expert’ – specifically Professor Morton McTwatt, a ‘heliophysicist’ at the Scripps Institute’s Centre for Advanced Guessology – says we need to be afraid – very, very afraid – with a Capital A – and practice holding our breath.

Professor McTwatt is worried about the masses of data he’s been meticulously collecting since the Al Bore-generated AGW scam to sell the world the carbon credit cap and trade rip-off scheme went tits up last December in Copenhagen when the attending delegates couldn’t fly out as the airport runways were totally iced over and snowed in due an unseasonable cold snap.

Without an ounce of mirth involved and with a completely straight face, McTwatt has declared for the public record that his data indicates that the world is running out of breathable air - and the rate that it's losing oxygen is now on the verge of accelerating and we could all be gasping for breath – non-smokers included – before Christmas.

Okay, and seriously, you simply couldn’t make this shit up if you tried. However, anybody caught laughing before getting to the bottom of this page is ordered to leave the website forthwith and wash their mouth out with something nasty while visualising giving Russell Brand a rim job.

Using jargonised scientific terms, McTwatt explained to a reporter from the Apocalypse Gazette that a long, long time ago – once upon a time, in fact - the Earth was very rich in oxygen and the air contained such an abundance of the element—close to one-third of the atmosphere was oxygen—that animals and insects grew to gargantuan sizes. For instance, the ancestors of the common sparrow – the non-smoking variety - once had four foot wingspans.

But now, due to overpopulation by humans, animals, insects – coupled with deforestation – plus the BP Deepshit Horizon Gulf of Mexico eco-catastrophe pumping up to a ten zillion cubic tons of methane – and oil – and Coreshite 9500 toxic dispersant - into the ocean water and making a total fuck of the Gulf Stream – these factors only serve to speed up the already accelerating Doomsday process.

Concerned scientists from the ‘What If?’ Institute for Chronic Pessimism have been building computer models to guage the effects of potential eruptions of super volcanoes such as Yellowstone Park or the Canary Islands, and have already calculated the oxygen levels that would be displaced in our atmosphere should any of them ever decide to erupt due being bombarded with ‘bad vibrations’ by the Alaskan-based HAARP scalar weapons array that causes so many earthquakes across Third World dumps.

Thus Professor McTwatt and his comtemporary scaremongers are preaching an end of times gospel that ascertains massive volcanic eruptions ‘could’ release trillions of cubic feet of methane, sulphur, CO2 and other noxious gases that will displace the free oxygen in the atmosphere and leave us all gasping.

Regardless, a simple bleak equation distills the sum of their fears: less oxygen equals less life – hence they have now provided the perfect opportunity for the introduction and enforcement of a re-hashed carbon credits cap and trade exchange scam – a ‘Breathable Oxygen Tax’.

Hmmm, as the old joke goes – hopefully they tax the Yidsters more than the Goyim as they’ve got bigger noses.

On the bright side it's postulated that not all life on Earth would completely die off as certain types of hardy slimes and molds, resilient bacteria, viruses and copraphagous bottom feeders such as cockroaches, slugs, bankers and hedge fund managers —as well as the more robust forms of pond scum alike politicians, could probably weather the severe oxygen deprivation – while the rest of us face a planetary mass extinction.

*Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Thought for the day: So, who’s going to put their foot down with a firm hand and stop these global eco-vandals decimating the effin’ rain forests – whether ‘kaingan’ hack and burn farming or logging? Answer is – no fucker – as that will interfer with commercial profit. They’ll simply have to buy a few more carbon credits for the privilege of maintaining their ecological destruction industry.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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