Saturday, 2 October 2010

B.O. Stinkies Barred from Boozer

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Sid McTwatt, the landlord of Smegmadale Forest’s picturesque Skunk Piss Arms pub, spoke today with a reporter from the Great Unwashed Gazette, and defended his decision to request a group of sweaty cyclists to vacate the bar’s lounge area and sit in the beer garden because of their offensive body odour.

The thirteen riders from the Grungy Gits Cycling Club in Scumborough were asked to move to the covered beer garden cum smoking area last weekend when other pub patrons and the bar staff jointly complained that the smell percolating from their group was, at best, comparable to the beach at low tide – and, at worse, reminiscent of the stench of a Turkish public lavatory.

Mr McTwatt explained “So they has a bit of a grumble amongst themselves an’ the split-arses in the group went inter histrionics mode wiv a lot of ‘tut-tutting’ an’ sniffin’ their own armpits an’ so on - then took their drinks an’ went out ter sit in the garden. Next thing a couple of ‘em wander over ter our little pettin’ zoo feature wot’s there fer the kids – an' me two pygmy goats catch wind of them an’ start throwin’ up so I had ter tell ‘em all ter piss off an’ drink somewhere else – like get a six pack an’ pedal off ter the local sewerage works fer a gargle.”

Mrs Hilda Pariah, founder of the Scumborough Halitosis Club, told the media that she and her fellow cyclists felt so insulted they were never going back to that pub again.
Mrs Candida Mingerot, related that the group had cycled six miles in the glaring sun before deciding to stop off for a drink at the Skunk Piss Arms. “This barman bloke kept twistin’ his nose up like while he were serving’ me so I sez ter him “Wot’s the problem sonny?” and he comes back all cocky like an’ sez “Yer breath smells like yer bin eatin’ dogshit.”
“Really, we woz treated like a bunch of social outcasts or lepers an’ I told that landlord I had a bath once a month whether I needed one or not.”

Mr McTwatt wryly commented to news hacks that he was thinking of organising a seating area at the bottom of the beer garden – right next to the compost heap – and naming it ‘Stinkie’s Corner’.

Gilbert Fetid, director of the chronic body odour sufferers charity ‘Smellies’, informed the media that “This isn’t an isolated case, we had one guy from Leicester get his sorry arse banned from the local library after staff passed out if they got too close to him, so bad were his personal hygiene problems.”

Likewise, rollercoaster riders at Surrey’s Pond Scum theme park are being banned from putting their arms in the air - after complaints about body odour – with notices being posted on the more scary rides and staff issued with aerosol cans of odour neutraliser to douse the more offensively ‘pungent’ patrons who don’t understand what hot water and soap are for.

Pond Scum director Wilf Bogbrush told Pox News "People might well say it's all a bit of a publicity stunt but we take our customer feedback seriously. The combination of hot weather, plus the effects of heightened exhilaration bordering on hysteria through to actual terror on the death defying rides can produce an unpleasant voiding of excessive of body odour – plus vomiting, pissing their pants and literally shitting themselves – especially when they opt to have a go on the Supersonic Crapperanga – for which we do recommend thrill-seekers wear an adult diaper.”

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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