In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
A female teacher working at Liverpool’s St Asbo’s School for Latter Day Scallies has freely admitted to authorities of her own volition that she might have exceeded her charter with a class of 15-year-old male pupils regarding their sex education curriculum – by screwing the entire class.
Ms Fellattia Titwank, 23, was employed as a supply teacher at St Asbo’s, on Merseyside, after her predecessor was accidentally shot and killed during a Creative Arts 'McVicar' bank blag drama performance in the school hall.
According to the testimony of several students they were given individual appointments to visit Ms Titwank in the privacy of her own home - at 69 Doggers Crescent, on Liverpool’s Shagford Hamlets housing estate - outside of normal school hours, where they experienced the erotic delights of oral sex, plus intercourse in a variety of positions. This location was chosen so as not to embarrass other pupils by having penetrative sex in the classroom as she could never achieve a complete and satisfying orgasm in front of a crowd.
Ms Titwank pleaded not guilty yesterday to charges of abusing her position of trust by sexual misconduct with the entire class of male students, none of whom can be identified because of their age (apart from Vinnie McSnitch, the little snidey twat who grassed up the class’s extra-curriculum carnal activities) .
Mr Arthur Capon, the head teacher of St Asbo’s, told one reporter from the Toyboys Gazette after the hearing: "I am appalled she used her position – the complete index of Karma Sutra positions by the sound of things - in such a way. Seriously, what on earth is this college she studied at – the Institute for Horizontal Academics, where she got a PhD first in Copulative Studies.”
The paedophilia charges filed against Ms Titwank are spread over the earlier months of 2010 - between St Valentine’s on February 14th and April Fool’s Day, some six weeks later.
When the sitting magistrate Sir Irwin Bogbrush pointed out to the comely Ms Titwank that government guidance warns sexual relationships between staff and pupils is regarded as a grave breach of trust, she responded with “Well, how am I supposed to do me effin’ job an’ teach these kids the practical side of their sex education curriculum. It’s not just climb aboard, have a few thrusts an’ shoot yer load like some of you blokes do. There’s a lot more ter sex than premature ejaculation or a quick hand job in the school bogs.”
Court reporters from Scouseland’s red top tabloid gutter press apparently drooled over the prosecution’s list of evidence against the buxom Ms Titwank. Labelled as a lecherous seductress, devoid of moral scruples, and diagnosed as suffering from Galloping Nymphomania, the erring teacher stands accused of conducting al fresco outdoor ‘sports’ activity sessions with pupils in her back garden – plus encouraging coital ‘voyeurism, providing penis enlargement tips, and handing out Viagra pills to students with erection problems due their booze and drug habits.
Rumours abound that this isn’t the first occasion Ms Titwank has been ‘disciplined’ for exceeding her licence concerning sex education classes and her lascivious conduct with students.
While teaching at Slagborough-on-Sea in 2008, several complaints were received from anxious parents of her all-girls class who boasted to friends they’d received their ‘Three-Holer’ diplomas - and had further been given demonstrations of ‘rug munching’ and tribbing – and taught the French art of ‘Gamarouche’ – from suck n spit basics through to evolving and perfecting their suck-swallow-suck techniques by practicing to gulp down a massive dollop of mayonnaise while sucking on a courgette.
What are your opinions on practical sex education lessons for juvenile school students? Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a course of private sex education tuition with Miss Titwank.
Thought for the day: The St Asbo’s School for Latter Day Scallies motto is 'Nihil nisi bonum' – 'Only the best will do'. Hmmm, well, Ms Titwank obviously gave the pupils her best.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.
Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.
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