Monday, 18 October 2010

FBI Win Incompetence Award

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Last weekend Yassir al Patsy, a 20-year-old Arab-American Muslim student in California, discovered a DGPS tracking device hidden on his car. After his madrassa buddy Achmed posted a picture of the dodgy device on the internet’s Flying Carpet website, speculating about its ties to a covert DHS investigation, the FBI turned up promptly, demanding their bug back.

Yassir’s father, Ratshit al Patsy, an Islamic-American radical activist and all-round annoying twat, died last year in Egypt when he accidentally shot himself five times in the head when cleaning an unlicenced .357 calibre revolver and a 9mm parabellum Glock automatic at the same time.
While the Cairo coroner returned an open verdict – unable to determine if he committed suicide or the shooting was an accident, regardless of testimony from Mrs Sharlila Mossad, the cleaning lady, that it was - Ratshit’s shifty dealings in Egypt with militant Islamic groups are speculated to be the reason for the FBI's investigation of the younger al Patsy.

Yassir told a reporter from the Jolly Jihad Gazette that the series of strange events began the previous weekend, when he took his car in for an oil change at a local garage. After the vehicle was raised on the hydraulic ramps he noticed a black, glimmering device hanging on the side of the chassis with a coaxial cable running along to an antenna fixed inside the rear fender.
Mustapha Ali Krapp, the owner of Ali's Krapp Motors, had no idea what the device was but levered it off its magnetic mounting with the bayonet from his AK47. Upon examination it was found to bear the engraved legend ‘Wallace & Gromet - ST820 Guardian Tracking System’.

When Yassir and his pal Achmed Googled up the device’s id details it returned a hit showing it was a DGPS transmitter identified as a police-issue-only, and one favoured by the FBI’s ‘elite ‘Wiley T Coyote Surveillance Squad’.

The next morning, after Yassir had been for his weekly lesson at the El Al Flying School on Hi-Fivers Boulevard, he related that his car was shadowed by three black Chevvy Suburban SUVs, all the way back to his home. There he was cornered in the car park by several men in black suits and sun glasses – one of whom threatened to beat the shit out of his skull with a rolled up Koran, while another intimidated him with a Boeing 767-223ER flying manual – and a third poked him in the ribs with a copy of False Flag Ops for Dummies.

According to Yassir "That's when the weird stuff started happening. They wanted to know how I found the W & G ST820 tracking device so I told them it was stuck under my car and stood out like a sore thumb – as though some window-licking moron had planted it there. That’s when I got the flying manual across the back of my head.”

“Anyways, I gave them their tracking machine back, and then they start asking all kinds of bizarre questions. “Have you bought any exploding jockey shorts or trainers recently? What do you know about the lizards on the Moon? Are Osama bin Laden and Mullah Omar real people or just holograms? Where were you on 9/11? Have you been aboard any Freedom Flotillas to the Gaza Strip? Do you believe President O’Barmy’s really a Kenyan? Have you ever heard the expression ‘Gay Edgar Hoover’?”

“Hey, no shit, that kind of thing gets unnerving. I was glad when the Israeli art students came round selling portraits of Golda Meir and broke up the confrontation. A big pic’ of grotty Golda’s always good for frightening the rats off.”

Thought for the day: fuck the FBI and Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

No comments: