Dodgy Darkie Dacoit Peers Rob Taxpayers

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The House of Lords Committee on Thieving Scallies has recommended three Asian peers – Baroness Godzilla Polomint Udders, Lord Smarmy Porkfat and Lord Alibaba Bhaji - should be barred from the august institution due charges of embezzlement and rampant acts of dacoity - and further cough up full restitution of all bogus expenses after criminally claiming zillions of pounds from the public purse.

Ms Fellattia van Gobble, the official Labour Party spokeswoman, informed one reporter from the Scandalmonger’s Gazette that Baroness Udders had been suspended from the party and may face disciplinary action, while Lord Porkfat had resigned his party membership.
Apparently Lord Porkfat has already paid back £41,982 in felonious expense claims, while Lord Bhaji has, to date, so far coughed up a total of £27,450 in curry-stained £50 quid notes.

Following the House of Conmans MP’s expenses furore in 2008, the House of Lords Privileges and Conduct Committee looked into the dodgy claims of their peers following allegations that a number had been deliberately designating little-used properties outside London – and in the Punjab, Bangladesh and Tanzania - as their main homes.
This meant they could claim overnight allowances, which had been worth £174 quid per night, to stay near Westminster when Parliament was sitting - as well as travel expenses.

The committee has recommended that the ex-Labour peer, Baroness Godzilla Polomint Udders of the ‘Dirty Dalit’ caste, should be suspended – preferably by her thumbs over a pit of starving crocodiles - until Easter 2012 and told to repay the £125,349 she’s unscrupulously embezzled from the British taxpayer.

Baroness Udders, originally hailing from the Third World shithole of Rajshahi in Bangladesh, is reportedly known to friends and political associates alike as a greedy, penny-pinching scumbag with the morals of a sewer rat.

Brenda Titwank, director of Ox-Rat, the political corruption watchdog charity, commented that “Udders is an ambitious philistine whose ego far surpasses her limited intellect – a hypocritical operator, who exemplifies the most disagreeable traits of abusing political position and power.”
“She’s chronically disingenuous, but her vaunted Common Purpose perception management skills have fallen flat on their arse this time around and she’s been exposed for what she really is – a common thief. Thus, as a heathen worshipper of Islam, under the statutes of Sharia Law, perhaps it would be fitting that she gets her right hand chopped off as a warning to others – and a lesson to alter her criminal ways.”

On 23rd November 2009 Baroness Udders’ case was passed to the Met’s Plod Squad for possible prosecution for fraud. The Daily Shitraker later reported that she was, with her customary brazen arrogance, refusing to cooperate with the police investigation, or to answer questions regarding the charges on the grounds her replies might incriminate her.

Conversely, on 18th October 2010, the House of Lords Committee on Thieving Scallies ruled that Baroness Udders had undertaken a systematic policy of embezzlement through her sham expense claims and was a slimy thieving slut – adding the recommendation that she should repay £125,349 as well as being suspended from Parliament until Easter 2012.

After being threatened with legal actions by Udders’ lawyers from Upshot, Bagrot & Shitpot, the Daily Shitraker went on to publish a damning editorial that stated for the public record ”Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s lexicon of 250,000-plus words there are none that accurately describe the neurotic Baroness Udders voracious condition of fiscal kleptomania. However it has since been unanimously agreed by a conclave of Anglo-Saxon peers that the term ‘Thieving Cunt’ comes pretty close.”

The ex-Labour peer and donor Lord Smarmy Porkfat freely admitted that honesty in government was rarer than rocking horse shit and hen’s teeth – and that he never spent a night at the one-bedroom flat in Oxfordshire he designated as his main residence and claimed maximum expenses for between 2005 and July of 2006.
The House of Lords Committee on Thieving Scallies report states: "Lord Porkfat explained his interpretation of the term main residence by reference to his cultural background. He insisted that anyone from India would term ‘main residence’ as his grass hut back at Jalandhar in the poxy Punjab.”

It might be remembered by career scumbag watchers and government corruption sentinels that in 2003, ironically on reflection, the hypocritical Lord Porkfat blamed difficulties in the world of business on "greed, coupled with the abdication of personal responsibility” – and further called for high standards of accountability and transparency in political and business life, acknowledging that "a little bit of scandal can put you behind” – or out of the House of Lords – especially so with that little bit of scandal totalling up to £41,982 – plus change.

The 96-year old Lord Alibaba Bhaji was criticised by the committee for designating a property in Scallygate, Surrey, as his main home between October 2007 and January 2009.
The crossbencher peer has owned a family home in Scumdale Hamlets, Greater London, for nearly 20 years but informed the committee he had rented the Scallygate property as he was considering downsizing as he got older (obviously on housing only and not his expense account claims).

The investigation uncovered the fact he spent 5% of weekends there when Parliament was sitting and he shared the property with Mother Teresa’s brother, Jack, who was named as a lodger on the lease.

The committee ruled Lord Bhaji had not acted in good faith when designating his main home for the purposes of claiming an overnight allowance - nor in mileage claimed for journeys to the property at Scallygate when his Scumdale Hamlets residence was in easy commuting distance to Parliament – recommending he be suspended from the Lords for twenty-seven months – one for each of the thousands of pounds he claimed in dodgy expenses.

Speaking with the media, Lord Bhaji claimed that the committee had ambushed him with extremely hostile questioning – obviously missing the irony that is the procedure when grilling embezzlers.

In this case we might well reference the old adage that states “the only thing worse than organised crime is disorganised crime” – as illustrated here by their petty thefts – fiddling expenses indeed.
In their case they broke that most sacred of the Eleven Commandments: Thou shalt not get found out!” – and end up ‘caught’ with their greedy little paws in the cookie jar.

Seriously, why for fuck’s sake, are we funding these parasites in the first place? The end result of a totally fucked-up political system that allows the continuation of the 'Second Estate', the sponging monarchy and the House of Lords. Give the lot the hoof and turn all their lands over to the National Trust.
Conversely, in the case of these three ‘dacoits’, then that’s the eventual price of Empire – adopting, and anointing with titles of nobility, a gaggle of Third World ne’er do well scrounging kleptomaniacs who, due their cultural upbringing and conditioning, can’t differentiate between ‘honest’ and ‘dishonest’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.