Wednesday, 20 October 2010

Cat Binner Mary McScum Fined

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A woman filmed dumping a cat into a wheelie bin last August has been fined £250 after admitting a cruelty offence. The RSPCA charged Mary McScum of Shitbag Terraces, Coventry after she was filmed on a CCTV camera stroking Tiddles the tomcat before picking him up by the scruff of the neck and sadistically tossing him into a bin outside the owner’s (Steph and Dilbert Fuctifino) home on Moggy Mauler’s Lane.

McScum, 45, pleaded guilty to causing unnecessary suffering to a cat – with a further numpty charge filed by the RSPCA of not providing the animal with a suitable environment being dropped by the CPS as ‘simply too silly to prosecute.”

District Judge Candida Mingerot told the court the potential for harm to the cat had been substantial but the reality was she had not been physically hurt – apart from suffering 15 hours of anxiety due being subjected to sensory deprivation, hunger and thirst, and having to survive in the unwholesome medium of a pool of shit at the bottom of an empty rubbish bin – for which Tiddles was still undergoing psychiatric therapy for emotional trauma.

In her defence Coventry Magistrate's Court heard testimony that McScum was on a course of prescription medication for stress and depression at the time the cat assault incident occurred, due her elderly father being taken gravely ill after being found trapped in a wheelie bin for a week, and that he had since popped his clogs.

McScum's solicitor Irwin Bogbrush told the court his client could offer no explanation for her ruthless actions in Moggy Maulers Lane last August. "She has received hate-mail, abusive telephone messages and death threats, and had used kitty litter poured through her letter box and dead kittens thrown through her windows.

”While an initial fine of £250 quid was levied by the court, with costs of £1,171, a further fine of £120 quid was imposed by the local council for ‘bin misuse’ - dumping the cat in a green recycling bin - strictly reserved for garden waste – when it should have gone into a regular grey bin.
McScum was also issued with an ASBO, banning her from keeping or going within 50 meters of any and all small furry mammals for five years - and further slapped with a Community Service Order punishment of having to spend 15 hours locked in the Fuctifino family’s wheelie bin every weekend until Christmas.

In passing sentence, Judge Mingerot informed the court she had taken McScum’s public vilification into account – hence her display of leniency, regardless of the accused stating disingenuously that she suffered from ’Galloping Ailurophobia’ – a fear and dread of cats.

"I accept you were in a typical maniac menopausal mood at the time – just as I am myself this morning - having a sick father and being forced to resign from your job as a cormorant strangler; but that's no excuse for what you did. Personally, and as a cat lover myself, I consider you to be a frustrated, cruel bastard and a closet psychopath.”

“When you were first identified and confronted with dumping that poor family's hapless feline into a wheelie bin you declared in a typical bad bitch manner for the public record “So wot’s all the fuckin’ fuss about – it’s only an effin’ cat!" - an act you claim was done for a ‘bit of a laugh’ – but obviously the only one to see the funny side of your action was yourself – and definitely not Tiddles.”
“However, as you have been hounded by the local tar and feathers mob, spit at, and targeted with a legion of death threats for your abominable and sadistic actions, even prompting our Deputy Prime Minister Mick Clogg to comment “What a cunt!” - I’m letting you off lightly – so watch your step.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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