Kray Twins do ‘Cash in de Attic’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Hundreds of previously unseen letters, photographs and underworld memorabilia belonging to the notorious London gangsters Ronnie and Reggie Kray went up for grabs and auctioned off at the prestigious Arthur Negus Emporium for Old Tat, for what one financial specialist termed “lots and lots of lovely money.”

In one of the letters – addressed to Rupert (call me Marion) Scrunt, a Soho transvestite ‘hostess’, who once worked at the twin’s Esmeralda’s Barn nightclub in Shitesbridge, scribbled in his customary spiderhand copperplate on pink Holly Hobbie notepaper and littered with spelling mistakes - Ronnie reveals his ‘orgasmic pleasure’ at receiving a letter from the camp American performer and pianist Liberace – declaring his admiration for the Kray’s ‘butch gangsta’ style.

One highly controversial set of grainy photographs, taken on a Kodak Brownie ‘Blackmail 8’ camera, which show Ronnie (the ‘iffy’ one) out walking on Hampstead Heath in 1963, arm in arm with Tory peer Baron Boothby, then buggering the old faggot doggy style in Cottagers Woods, sold to Gaylord magazine for £5,000.

Boothby perjured himself in typical noble fashion when he successfully sued the Daily Shitraker in 1964 after the gutter press tabloid had the blatant audacity to alleged that he and Ronnie were a pair of sodomites, into a ‘sexual relationship’ that involved sticking their willies up each other’s bums. Apparently detectives from the Met’s Plod Squad are still searching for the offending editor’s head – after the rest of his body was discovered poking out of the concrete foundations of the M1’s Junction 11 bridge near Luton.

The items were sold at Blagger & Scally Auctioneers in Screwes, East Fussex, by the twins' unofficial biographer Ghengis McTwatt, the notorious Glaswegian pit bull strangler, who became their close confidante, sharing the next cell in Scumhurst Prison after they were jailed for mass murder in 1969.

A matched set of the twin’s His and Her’s ruby-encrusted knuckle dusters saw bids soar to £18,000 – and sold to the celebrity career sadist and servant mauler, HRH Sheikh Isser bin Nastygit of Abu Dhabi.
Ronnie’s favourite souvenir trophy – Mad Frank Mitchell’s head-lopping axe – brought an exorbitant £2,500 – when the same can be still bought today at B & Q for £17:85 inc VAT.
However, his personal pink Sony Wankman fetched a mere £20 due audio tapes being so ‘etre demode’ and iPod MP3 players now being the de rigueur hi-tech’ musical accessory.

Conversely, and perhaps quite paradoxically too, one Black & Decker cordless power drill, used to torture gangland opponents and knee-cap grassers and snitches, went for £300 – including a full set of masonry drill bits, plus the original battery charger (240/110 volt AC – 12 volt DC).

A pair of ‘Ron’ and ‘Reg’ monogrammed pick axe shafts, still resplendently stained in realistic Grotty Goth / Halloween style with blood and gore, brought a record £12,700 quid from an anonymous internet bidder at the Yakuza-R-Us website in Tokyo after a round of hectic bidding between the eventual winner and a certain Mr Guido Corruptioni of the Cosa Nostra Corporation in Sicily.

Did you bid on any of the Kray twin’s old ‘gangsta tat’? Did you see who bought the gold-plated thumb screws? Would you like a full colour laminated photocopy of Ronnie Kray’s ‘Certified Insane’ certificate as a coffee table conversational décor?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and we’ll pass them on to New Scotland Yard for investigation.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.