Tuesday, 12 October 2010

Council Dodge Snow Clearance

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Smegmashire County Council has once again managed to piss off every one of their tax-paying electorate with the arrogant announcement that they’ll be shutting down operations from late November through until early March 2011, with the entire council staff heading abroad for the Mediterranean climes to weather out the coming winter season.

As the ‘global warming’ scam is curently undergoing a complete metamorphosis and being ‘tactically camoflagued and transformed’ to ‘global cooling’ with yet another freezing winter of sub-Arctic conditions forecast and looming just over the November horizon, the council is preparing to hand out 25,000 spades and shovels - informing hapless residents: “Dig yourselves out when it snows.”

The grossly obese Alderman Harry ‘No Neck’ Fuckwitt, Councillor for Gulag Hamlets - and a man described by friends, neighbours and business associates alike as a ‘right fat cunt wot ate all the pies’ and labelled with the derogatory sobriquet ‘Harry Bouncy Castle’ – informed a reporter from the Glacier Gazette “It’s all part of Posh Dave Scameron’s Libservative Big Society and his ‘Yer Country Needs Yer’ call to arms summons fer the public ter get their fingers out an’ do a bit fer themselves – self-reliance type of philosophy I suppose.”
“So what we’re gonna do is hire Pikey Pete’s Highway Gritting Services ter look after the main highways - an’ every other sod an’ their dog will get a spade or a shovel ter clear their driveway an’ bit of personal pavement an’ road frontage outside their house.”

“Look, it’s not the council’s fault the climate’s gone tits up and Al Bore woz full of crap about this AGW scam thingy. In my opinion it’s all BP’s effin’ fault so go an’ talk ter them. They’re the one’s who’ve caused this problem wiv their Deepshit Horizon oil well going ‘Ka-fuckin’-Boom!’ an’ pollutin’ all the Gulf of Mexico an’ makin’ a total bollocks of the Gulf Stream wot used ter keep the British Isles warm in winter an’ yer gas bills down.”
“An’ never mind BP’s pond scum PR propaganda toadies claimin’ they’ve solved the global warmin’ crisis – by usherin’ in another effin Ice Age. Send them yer next central heatin’ bill come Spring.”

“Anyways, Gulag Hamlets council's proposal involves a 'self-help' scheme in which people can ring up our outsourced call centre in New Delhi an’ request a pair of snow shoes, a shovel an’ a couple of job-dodging welfare benefit cheats ter come round an’ clear their driveways of ice an’ snow. Really, it should prove ter be a nice little number ter keep the Asbo generation occupied an’ on their dainty little frozen tootsies doin’ their community service sentences til the Spring.”

As long-range forecasts suggest the entire UK will be hit by blizzards and temperatures plummeting to -20C due the failure of the Gulf Stream, and Skidrow Hamlets Council prepares to hand out spades, Jack Fuctifino chairman of the local resident’s action group ’Wot the Fuck?’ told reporters “ This is the daftest idea they’ve come up with since the last daft idea.”
“All the shovels are gonna get nicked by these pikey immigrant twats wot’s already tearin up the cast iron drain grids and manhole covers for scrap. I mean, wot kind of a balls up is this when the entire council are buggering off to the tropics until the weather gets better?”
“Mind you, if this poxy government hadn’t put the kibosh on me jobseekers allowance, I’d be going with them.”

Conversely, and on a brighter note, Ice Age Solutions of Kuntsborough are forecasting a bumper sales winter season, and have cornered the national market in snow chains for disabled mobility scooters, crampons for Zimmer frames, second-hand tennis rackets modified as snow shoes, huskies and sleds, low cholesterol seal blubber, walrus pemmican, and Nutty Nanook’s Inuit dog biscuits.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons got temporarily flash frozen.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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