Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Schoolkids get UFO Crash Drill

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Has the Libservative coalition government gone totally bonkers so soon after coming into office?
If the answer is ‘not quite yet’, then why, might we politely inquire, has the Ministry for Wasting Time & Money been given licence to okay a project thought up and cobbled together by the Health & Safety Executive and the fascist Common Purpose social engineering charity, to run a series of UFO crash training drill courses for primary school pupils? Is this now an integral part of the new education curriculum?

The latest UFO crash-landing occurred on Monday afternoon on the playing fields behind Numpford Asbo Central Academy in Smegmashire. The kids were treated to a full X-Files UFO crash scenario that included the ka-boom’s of high explosive charges detonating, burning wreckage, police cordon tapes, and a bunch of PSCO Plod Squad officers and Community Enforcement morons bawling over bullhorns “Ello,ello, ello –wot ave we ere then – little green men indeed! Where’s yer visa then, eh, yer alien twat?”
Then yelling to the gob-smacked pupils “Yer’ve all seen Independence Day an’ Mars Attacks, so zap the big-headed fuckers before they snuff yer.”

The adolescent students were then issued with a Taser each and let loose to shock the living daylights out of the screaming UFO crew of mini-aliens (actually Year 4 students kitted out in latex ‘Grey’ suits from Poundland’s Finest Halloween kit range) who went into headless chicken mode.

After the Greys were rendered ‘harmless’ the pupils were taught how to carry out a risk assessment before handling any space ship debris, to determine radioactive or biological hazards, then back to the classroom the kids to write up their experience – with the stock opening line unfortunately being “I shit me effin’ pants.”

Conversely, the Numpford Academy head teacher Mr Wentworth Fuctifino, informed one reporter from the False Messiah Gazette that “I’ll be filing an official complaint with the Minister of Education over this fiasco. Really, this is a drill enacting a likely scenario of our first known contact with an intelligent life form from across the Cosmos, obviously in distress due the crash of their space ship, and what’s on the top of the agenda? - throw compassion and empathy to the wind and assault the visitors."

"Not one mention of phoning the AA or RAC breakdown line, or other emergency services – the fire brigade or a couple of ambulance loads of paramedics. It really sets off the ethics alarm - apart from which we now have several Year 4 pupils traumatised and in hospital with high voltage electrical burns or in comas.”

Jacko Bogbrush, director of the Galactic Samaritans emotional support group, told the Daily Shitraker “A typical Common Purpose piece of brain-washing an’ neuro-linguistic programming with chippy little sound bites an’ jargon ter acclimatise kids all ready for the staged ‘alien invasion’ and great bullshit Rapture.”

“Problem is what if the kids look at it and say they don’t believe and its all just another big Illuminati scam – like global warming? What are they going to do? Blow them all up again like they did with the global warming sceptics on that shit-for-brains TV advert that the 10:10 Global lunatics commissioned?”

Unconfirmed reports abound that several officials wearing black suits and sunglasses turned up post crash and slapped a D-Notice on the event – threatening the children that if they talked about the UFO incident they’d all disappear and be sold to a kiddie fiddling brothel in Aberdeen.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a nut-infested area and may contain traces of official lunacy and / or squirrel shit.

Oh, and by the way, fuck the New World Order and the coming 'pantomime' Rapture.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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