Monday, 11 October 2010

Fuk Yew Wins Nobel Peace Prize

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

China has, with its customary psychotic paranoid zeal and toxic venom, angrily condemned the decision to award the Nobel Peace Prize to jailed Chinese dissident Mr Fuk Yew Tu.

The Beijing government summoned the Norwegian ambassador, Mr Noggin Nogsonn, in protest – with their traditional ‘Come Hither’ scribed on a bamboo scroll, bearing the message “Read this, Tremble and Obey!”
Unfortunately Ambassador Nogsonn was busy attend the weekly rickshaw races in downtown Tongzhou and was unable to comply.

The Beijing Politburo’s chief commissar, Mr Flip Flop Fong, speaking at a press conference, told one reporter from the Dissidents Gazette that Fuk Yew Tu was a subversive criminal for disagreeing with the government and having the audacity to question their human rights record, further stating that in his unqualified opinion the award violated Nobel principles and could damage China’s non-existent trade agreements and diplomatic relations with Norway.

Conversely, Mr Thorbad Lagerlout, the Chairman of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, informed reporters from Oslo’s gutter press that Mr Fuk Yew Tu was the foremost symbol of the struggle with human rights and wrongs in China – then referred to the People’s Marxist Utopia as “just another Third World shithole governed by a set of graft-ridden and senile corrupt oligarchs posing as the Politburo.”

US President Barky O’Barmy, never one to miss out on a spot of ego-massaging and publicity – or piss the Chinese government right off - wound up his Hope & Change teleprompter, called a press conference and demanded Mr Fuk Yew’s immediate release.
"We call on Beijing to release Mr Fuk Yew immediately, if not sooner,” the Kenyan cuckoo – and winner of last year's Nobel Peace Prize for committing a further 40,000 troops to the illegal Afghan war – goaded the Middle Kingdom’s geriatric rulers – casually mentioning in passing that ‘great changes’ were coming to the Middle and Far East of Asia.

“Since that old dinosaur Mao popped his clogs, China’s made a hell of a progress in economic reform and improving the lives of its peasants, lifting hundreds of millions out of poverty and getting them into credit card debt.
"But Fuk Yew Tu’s Nobel award sorta reminds us all over here in the civilised world that political reform just ain’t kept pace with the adoption of fractional reserve banking and usury, and that the basic human rights of every man, woman and ‘first child’ must be respected.”

“So, once we’re done levelling Afghanistan and Pakistan, and turn them both into parking lots – and we’ve got our hands on the Paki’s nukes - then China might just be in line for a spot of Democratising too - as we head north for Pyongyang and kick that short-ass head-banger Kim Jung Thing into the Yeller Sea.”

The 96-year old Fuk Yew Tu was a key leader in the Tiananmen Square protests in 1989 and had both feet run over by a Magic Dragon battle tank – but was luckily wearing his HSE-approved toe-tector boots.
Last year he received an 11-year sentence in the top security People’s Happy Transplant Organ Donor Prison for "inciting subversion" after drafting Charter 08 - which called for multi-party democracy and respect for human rights in China – plus an end to sweatshop labour and forcing citizens into donating transplant organs – especially while they're still alive.

News of the Nobel Prize award kick started rallies and protests right across China, calling for Fuk Yew’s release so he could attend the award ceremony in Oslo on the 10th December – and pick up his cheque for 10 million kroner.

Political activist Ms Sue Doku appeared on a makeshift outdoor stage in Beijing with the radical hip-hop rapper group, Falun & the Gongs – to proclaim to the gathered crowds that Fuk Yew’s sentence violates both China's own constitution and fundamental human rights.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Oh, and by the way, fuck Communism and all other failed political dinosaurs – such as Capitalism.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

No comments: