Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Labour’s ‘Barratrous’ Equality Act Enforced

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Typical of any government, saying one thing then doing entirely the opposite, PM Posh Dave Scameron’s Libservative coalition, after running for office on the promise of rolling back the obfuscating web of political correctness and HSE laws imposed under thirteen years of New Labour misrule, has now enforced legislation written by the government it once castigated for impropriety and then replaced.
The new equality laws, masterminded by Labour’s ginger-mingin’ deputy leader, Harriet ‘Stabvest’ Harebrain - the speed freak MP for London’s ‘cosmopolitan’ Yardie Hamlets - came into force on October 1st, threatening to create a political correctness minefield for every hapless fucker and their dog.

Under Ms Harebrain’s Equality Act 2010 legacy, vegans, tree-huggers, teetotallers, raving transvestite poofters, pederasts and atheists are to be given the same protection against discrimination as religious groups such as Pancake Tuesday Adventists and the Church of Scientology’s ‘Rampant Rapturists’ - while pikeys, gyppos and other assorted pond scum travellers will get special favours because of the many socio-economic disadvantages they face - due being publicly viewed as a bunch of tax dodgers, welfare benefit cheats – and career criminal thieving types who’d steal anything shiny – or that wasn’t nailed down.

To complicate matters to the point of judicial head-scratching (read ‘head-banging’) there is also a provision which extends protection from third, fourth and fifth party harassment – which could equate as employers having a responsibility to shield their staff from abuse by irate customers. Thus the draconian new equality statutes could spell the end of good natured banter and the archetype office joke.

Sir Irwin Fuctifino, Secretary of the Ministry for Saying Sorry (formerly Department of Apologies), informed the Fubar Gazette that the entire content of Labour’s controversial Equality Act would be implemented immediately, despite grave concerns and objections voiced by the more sensible members of the House of Conmans over it causing workplace and social mayhem.

However, the numpty ‘pro-political correctness gone overboard’ legislation, originally conjured and championed by Labour’s deputy leader Harriet Harebrain, will introduce a bewildering range of rights which will empower employees to sue for any and all ‘perceived’ offences they might be subjected to in the workplace – with the emphasis here on the term ‘perceived’ being juxtaposed with ‘imagined’ – or vengefully ‘contrived’.

Hence, such will open the door for yet another ambulance-chasing and money-spinning ‘barratry’ scam to be established and milked by the coprophagous bottom feeders that comprise the ranks of the global legal profession – much the same as they have done with the ‘personal injury’ claims industry.

Critics have been swift to point out the act creates the controversial legal concept of third party harassment, under which workers will be able to sue over jokes and banter they find offensive – even if the comments are aimed at someone else or their dog and they weren’t even present at the time such comments as “She’s got a lovely arse” or “Nice pair of boobs for a titwank” were made.

Thus offended personalities suffering from total sense of humour failures will be entitled to sue if they consider the comments or torts violate their dignity or create an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment – with a one-off incident being sufficient to spur the juggernaut wheels of litigation into action – and there being no requirement for the victim to have warned the perpetrator that their comments were unwelcome.

Frank McScrunt, CEO of Ox-Rat, the silly laws watchdog charity, warned that the numpty dumpty Equality Act could derail Britain’s economic recovery, with fears that employers will face a tsunamis of vexatious litigation due trivial discrimination claims.
“This is the most idiotic idea the Libservatives have had since their last idiotic idea. The act’s a pile of crap and a charter for lawyers and social pariahs who want to make vexatious complaints that are gonna tie employers up in knots – then every sod will have to take out liability insurance against getting their arses sued by some grumpy twat with a grudge."

"Regardless of budget cuts and slashing the ranks of the civil service, you’re gonna see a need for doubling the size and scope of the Employment Tribunal caboodle as well. Mark my effin’ words- this little manoeuvre will prove to be yet another albatross around Posh Dave Scameron’s scrawny neck – same as the dodgy git going back on his word and now denying us a referendum on our membership of the EUSSR.”

Conversely, Rupert Dorkford, the Tory MP for Old Scrotum, confided in a reporter from the Barratry Gazette that the decision to press ahead with Labour’s asinine Equality Act demonstrated the politically correct consensus is still alive and well in government and he could now sue anyone who referred to him as ‘that fudging poofter’.

* Carbon Credit Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No transvestite pikey vegans, Flat Earth worshippers or small furry mammals had their dignity violated, nor were harassed, victimised, belittled or insulted in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons, qubits and computer fractals were temporarily inconvenienced but accepted our most sincere apologies by way of reparation.

Thought for the day: Does this idiotic act herald the death of social satire and political parody? Are Rory Bremner, Bird and Fortune, and others of their humorous ilk to be cast out as pariahs? Will the bellicose Carter-Fuck now sue the bollocks off Private Eye for calumnious innuendo? Is this the end of the tongue-in-cheek smirk or hand-over-mouth suppressed guffaw?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Oh, and by the way, fuck political correctness – and the EUSSR – and the New World Order.

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