Thursday, 28 October 2010

Autumn Skewed News Views Roundup

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Stone Age door, curiously enough made of ‘stone’, which once kept the draught – and sabre-toothed nasties - out of a prehistoric Swiss cave, has been unearthed on the outskirts of Zurich.
The ‘fantastically preserved’ 5100-year-old door which archaeologist Fellattia van der Gamm estimates was fabricated and hung around the year 3063 BC, (second Wednesday in June) does bear signs of damage, which the archaeology team’s forensic anoraks and beardies believe was caused when it was once kicked in by Neanderthal bailiffs paying a visit to collect overdue rent.

The door, which is a Hobbit-sized 153 cm high and 88 cm wide, was among some of the amazing finds around a group of five dwellings on a prehistoric sink or swim housing estate believed to have existed at the site.

Ms van der Gamm added that the door was of a type of blue granite, quite possibly quarried in the next valley. “In its day it had been solid and elegant, and fitted with what appears to be a letter box and a boar’s tusk knocker – plus well-preserved hinges made from mammoth hide. I’ll bet the bailiff hurt his foot when he kicked this one open. Really, one could just close the eyes and imagine this settlement being Bedrock, and a Fred Flintstone character dressed in an animal skin, begging for time to pay his rent.”

Rumours that this might have been the actual residence of Otzi the Iceman, who was found frozen into a glacier at Hauslabjoch in the Alps after being evicted from his cave, remain unconfirmed.

California Governor Arnold Squashanigger this week told the 60 Minutes news programme’s correspondent Dork Fuctifino that he would definitely run for the job of US president if the Constitution could be changed to allow foreign-born Americans to run for the White House.

Apparently Mr Fuctifino has kick started a storm of protests by informing Arnie the Terminator “Hey, no need for that, we’ve already got a Kenyan-born cuckoo squatting in the Oval office – Barky o’Barmy. Our Mr Hope n Change – the Teleprompter Man – our ‘nigger in the woodpile’. All ya need Arnie is a forged Hawaiian birth certificate and Wham! Bam! – the job’s done - you’re a born n bred Yank already. Say, it worked okay for O’Barmy and he’s a real mongrel – African-Indonesian with a touch of the honkey in him – an’ a Muslim to boot. Hell, if he can get into the White House, then anyone can!”

The Millionaire Fair currently being staged in Moscow, is an annual celebrity event for jet-setting Russian plutocrats who have everything – and more money than fucking sense – including a greedy gene (but are still hanging out for that little bit more) – and held so they can display their utter lack of taste and penchant for ostentatious waste.

The International Millionaire Fair was organized in 2002 by the Mammon Media Group B. V., the publishing house which issues glossy magazines with velvet quilted, triple tinted, toilet tissue pages for the rich and famous to wipe their privileged lardy arses with.

The ‘Patron’ of this year’s fair in Moscow is Russian oligarch and international vulgarian Oleg Mobsaroubles - the zillionaire owner of Wankprom Oil - and the UK’s Third Division Smegmadale Dynamos soccer team - who sponsored the event to provide an opportunity for his Ukrainian ex-stripper girlfriend Takem Orloff to flaunt her new boob job and latest genital piercings – plus her Botox ‘blow me’ lips - and collection of priceless jewellery.

Also in with a visible presence was Michail Sackashit, the boss of Gulag Gas, accompanied by his personal harem of teenage Thai ladyboys, all of whom are reputed to be trained in the ancient Japanese art of Ninjitsu and jointly serve as his bodyguard.

Isaac Pisstoffovich, the ex-KGB colonel and current leader of the Solntsevskaya Bratva (Moscow Mafia) crime family turned up with Vladimir Barfsky, the zillionaire owner of Vladimir’s Chew n Spew fast food chain, which operates pigswill take-away outlets from Leningrad to Vladivostok.

While the Fair is open for everyone to enjoy, obviously with entrance tickets being priced at $1 million per piece, then very few peasants ever get to see how the ex-KGB oligarchs – aka ‘the other half’ – live.

Due the UK Libservative coalition government’s scorched earth public spending cuts campaign recently emasculating the national budget, it will no longer be possible to support British troops in Afghanistan. However Professor Mortimer Higgs-Boson, the chief anorak at the Ministry of Defence’s Porton Down nasty weapons research establishment, has proposed one rather novel idea based on the concept of the old English rural scarecrow.

Prof. Higgs-Boson in his infinite wisdom – or total lack of it – has decreed that as the Taliban are a bunch of superstitious heathens then a spot of psychological warfare might just do the trick and keep them holed up in their caves until Westminster can afford more bullets and other warfare-necessary kit to rearm their troops.

As sculptor Anthony Gormless’ display of 100 life-sized iron statues dotted randomly across the expanse of the Crosby beach landscape has managed – unintentionally – to scare away all the scavenging Scouse scallies and assorted scrotes – plus the entire sea bird population within 20 miles, so too might such work with equal potency and effect on the manky Taliban.

Hence it is planned to commission Mr Gormless to knock up a few thousand of the same effigies to plant around Afghanistan’s rebel-infested Kandahar and Bellend Provinces in similar fashion to Crosby Beach – to create an awe- inspiring and strange sight, an Easter Island type of mystical effect, to frighten the living shit out of Big Al Qaeda and the Taliban Dan Gang - who can shoot at them with little resulting effect – apart from a series of resounding pings from the resulting ricochets.

Thought for the day: Do you believe the dire warning issued to NATO this week by ex-USSR Premier Gorbachev, concerning his own nightmare experiences with Afghanistan, reminding them it is the graveyard of empires – past and present – and advising to “Get the fuck outa there while ya still can!” will actually sink in – or is control of the largest opium crops on Earth simply just too much of a money-spinning carrot?

Send us your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a life-sized set of replica Georgia Guidestones – complete with profane graffiti – plus a working 1/5 scale model of the Niagara Falls as the perfect water feature for your back garden.

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Allergy warning: These articles were written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of slanderous innuendo.

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