Sunday, 3 October 2010

Frankenfish Okayed for Human Consumption

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The profit-generating gospel of acquiescence and approval, according to the wholly corrupted US Food and Drug Administration, has this week announced for the public record that genetically modified mutant salmon is ‘yummy-yummy’ safe to eat even if they do look like Blinkie and glow in the dark.

Professor Ghengis MacTwatt, director of the Montauk-based Jolly Gene DNA Splicing Laboratory - the US company which pioneered the Dr Moreau style GMO abominations – admits the issue of their Mutant Meals products might well be controversial but the GM salmon is the most studied product in the history of Frankenfish, and no hard evidence exists (thanks to a recent all-night shredding effort) that it’s consumption triggers cancerous conditions and genetic anomalies in humans.

Professor MacTwatt informed one reporter from the Gynandromorphs Review “Hellfire, people worry too much. Our ‘Mary Shelly’ brand Sockeye Mutant Salmon could be the answer to the world’s hunger problems. Believe me, forget all the scare-mongering - there’s very little likelihood of them ever escaping into the natural environment and cross breeding with natural salmon – or posing a threat to the survival of wild species.”

(Hmmm, escaping, eh - which obviously translates that they can – and will)

Salmon might well be a popular and healthy Omega 3 / EPA-rich food, with more than half sold in the United States of Israel being farmed in an unregulated aquaculture industry worth £80 zillion quid per annum.
However, the dodgy and contrived science behind any GMO product is highly controversial and consumers are rightly questioning the impact on human health and the environment – even resorting to quote Biblical references to the moral dilemma and dangers of creating what constitutes ‘abominations’ in the eyes of God – as per the statute of the 12th Commandment: “Thou shalt not fuck with Mother Nature”.

Further, McTwatt’s assurances fail to satisfy Dr Irwin Bogbrush, senior science consultant for the US-based Class Action Personal Injury Claims group, which fears research behind the Chimera Mutant Salmon breed has been unregulated – resulting in sloppy, misleading and woefully inadequate data – especially so since Jolly Gene’s Frankenfish has been modified with growth genes from a whale shark, plus the antifreeze gene from a Blabberwocky penguin.
There is concern that deliberations with the bribable FDA have been behind closed doors and that all relative data has been provided by the Jolly Gene group, with no independent peer review to question their claims.

Alaska enforced a ban on farmed salmon two decades ago and focused on management practices that sustain and grow wild salmon shoals. This has resulted in bounteous wild fish stocks, considered among the best in the world, with catches of 200 million salmon in 2009, worth $400 million bucks to Alaskan communities which depend on harvests of wild salmon production to support local economies and subsistence needs.

In direct contrast to this, salmon farms elsewhere in the US have been criticised for their crowded conditions and massive contamination from excreted faecal matter - plus chemical pollution, the proliferation of disease - and more escapees than a Harry Houdini convention at San Quentin.

One fact that the Jolly Gene DNA splicing group are at odds to suppress is the fact they were originally part of the Bumrose GM Foods group whose luncheon meat division created the manky mutant Spammoth – a hybrid cross using the growth gene from an African elephant spliced with the DNA of a Tamworth pig – which resulted in a pork-producing monstrosity that matured to adulthood in six weeks, stood 15 feet high at the shoulder and weighed in at 2,000 kilos. Unfortunately while a single butchered carcass produced several thousand tins of Spam, the growth gene was still active and consumers started sprouting trunks and large floppy ears.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Thought for the day: Fuck genetically-modified organisms of any kind - whether they’re covered in feathers, fly through the air and lay eggs - or swim under water and breathe through a hole in their neck.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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