Saturday, 9 October 2010

Snob Cruise Line Slams Truckies

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Lord Genghis McSnob, of Swan Vestas Cruise Lines, informed one reporter from the Vulgarians Gazette that his elitist clientele shunned the horrid thought of actually mixing with smelly common herd ferry passengers while awaiting to board their luxury liner - further describing the majority of their number as pikey types, Asbo yobsters and lager louts.

While on a visit to Portsmouth this week, the contemptible peer demanded with his customary brazen hubris that the harbour authorities either build a separate terminal for cruise patrons or set up a sweaty armpits scanner at the port’s passenger terminal and refuse entry to anyone smelling like the beach at low tide, or a wet cormorant – or a Turkish public urinal.

Asked by media hacks to clarify his politically incorrect remarks, McSnob replied "Most of our passengers are very upper class and don't want to associate or mix with smelly lorry drivers and yobs full of Bitch Thumper lager all queuing up to get on a ferry.”

Swan Vestas' three cruise ships, the Hedonist, the Banksters Delight and the Scally Isles Princess, will be the first liners to use the new terminal in 2011, and bound for exotic cruises such as ‘Oil Slick Spotting’ in the Gulf of Mexico or the adventure-orientated ‘Pirate Hostage Cruise’ around Somalia – all starting from a mere £5,550 for two weeks – breakfast inclusive.

Ms Fellattia Titwank, a spokesperson for No Sweat Vacations, the parent company of Swan Vestas, told the media "Ferry travellers expect to embark and disembark like rats dodging in and out of a sewer, whereas cruise passengers can arrive up to three hours before boarding and they expect a completely different kind of experience – an equivalent of the VIP ambience and service they are accustomed to receiving in the First Class lounges of major airports.”

“As Sir Genghis has said, our cruise passengers definitely do not want to be mixing with malodorous peasants or other common pond scum yobs who are paying a measly £60-odd quid for a cross Channel ferry ticket while our patrons fork out £5,000 quid-plus. Hence we expect the port authorities to create a certain atmosphere, a five-star setting, as soon as our passengers arrive to travel.”

Conversely, Frank Scrunt, director of the civil liberties group ‘Underarm’ went into total dummy-spitting mode at Sir Genghis’ remarks, informing hacks from the gutter press red top tabloids “These comments aren’t very politically correct, labellin’ the hoi polloi an’ truckies as a bunch of smelly twats. Our lawyers are currently checkin’ on the statutes of this new Equality Act wot’s just come inter force this last week, an’ we’re plannin’ ter sue the livin’ shit outa this conceited old git.”

Do you suffer from smelly armpits? Are you a member of the national Halitosis Club? Do you change your socks and underwear on a daily or weekly basis? Do you bother wearing any? Would you shower before going on a cross-Channel ferry? Would you fork out £5,000 grand to go on a two week cruise with a bunch of presumptuous, panjandrum vulgarians?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views – Purveyors of Bespoke Satire – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of political incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby.

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