Thursday, 21 October 2010

Fiji Downgraded to British Protectorate

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The South Pacific Ocean’s Republic of the Fiji Islands has this week held up its hands, shouted “Whoops!” – and admitted to losing the legal document confirming an end to its subservience to the British crown – which granted it independence from the United Kingdom.

As Fiji celebrated the 40th anniversary of achieving emancipation from the UK on October 10th, the Minister for Snafu’s, Mr Wilberforce Chuckabutty, admitted the government had lost the legal ‘Independence Order’ presented to the Very Reverend Winnebago Jaffacake and a bunch of pissed-up bunch of grass-skirted tribal elders, by Prince Chazzer (Great White Father who talk to plants) in 1970.

Misplaced due an exotic blend of Melanesian and Hindu bureaucratic incompetence, and after five years of scouring desk drawers, shoe boxes and biscuit tins in government departments, plus looking down bandicoot burrows and up coconut trees, President Ratu Datu Tatu has been compelled to take the embarrassing step of asking their former colonial masters for a photocopy of the ‘Instruments of Independence’ from the UK's National Archives at Kew.

The UK Parliament's Fiji Independence Act of 1970 granted the dubious privilege of ‘Independence’ to the Pacific nation of 800-plus volcanic and coral islands.
The Act stated that "On and after the 10th October 1970 Her Majesty's Government in the United Kingdom shall have no responsibility for the government of Fiji” – then went on to spell out the nation's free powers to make their own laws governing the chronic theft of bicycles, dug-out canoes, fat pigs, wives, bananas and breadfruit.

So, the $69,000,000 zillion dollar question now raises its ugly head: when a country loses such a document – specifically it’s release from Imperial slavery, colonial domination and exploitation - does the right to independence go down the drain with it?

“Absolutely – and with a capital A” proclaims the Oxford-based constitutional expert Professor Roland Muskrat. “Independence papers might well be viewed simply as symbolic items – such as a birth certificate or passport – and if you lose your passport then, as we all well know from dire experience – you’re fucked – with a capital F. Unfortunately, and specifically so in Fiji’s case, the legitimacy of a former colonial state rests entirely on that special piece of paper they seem to have lost. They’re now a far-flung part of the United Kingdom again - and ripe for a massive increase in council tax.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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