Monday, 11 October 2010

Chile Fubar: Miners Nix Rescue Plans

In this morning’s ‘Underground Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The evacuation of 33 workers trapped thousands of feet deep at the St Sodom copper mine in Chile since the 5th August, when the botched job access shaft collapsed, is scheduled to commence on Wednesday, according to Laurence Gobberotti, the country's Minister for Underground Fuckups.

Senor Gobberotti told one reporter from the Tunnel Rats Gazette that engineers had now completed the 24 inch diameter rescue shaft drilled through to the underground chamber where the miners have been living it up and partying since smaller bore supply shafts were drilled some weeks ago, circulating fresh air from the surface and keeping them stocked up 24/7 with booze and cigarettes – and the occasional orders of Dodgy Domino’s pizza, Hen Clucky fried chicken and Big Mick Chew n Spew burgers.

Since the running of a power line cum phone / communications link provided Sky TV’s porn channel and a high speed broadband internet connection, the miners have been able to ogle tits and arses or Twitter away online - or post their latest news and gossip on Facebook.

Speaking at a live televised news conference outside the St Sodom mine, Minister Gobberotti announced the decision had been taken to reinforce the first 96 meters of the top section of the newly completed shaft, which would take 48 hours, then after the rescue ‘module’ (read cage) had been test-run a couple of times up and down the shaft, a doctor would be lowered into the 700 meter deep El Refugio shelter to evaluate the miner’s physical condition and determine in what order they would be brought to the surface.

However, upon watching the Minister’s little speech on their TV set, the miner’s placed a conference call through to the surface rescue camp HQ and told the project manager to “Slow things down a bit – we’re all okay here – no great rush – we’ve only been trapped a couple of months - better to be safe than sorry” – before ordering 33 portions of llama ribs, another dozen cartons of Marlboro Red ‘Cowboy Killers’, and fifty bottles of tequila.

Three hours later the following posts began appearing on the miner’s Twitter and Facebook pages. “Great party – so do we want to be rescued? – the unanimous vote down here is NO! Do we need global warming? Do we want to go home to whingeing wives, girlfriends or mistresses? To snotty nosed kids? To mortgages and credit card bills?” Hell no! We’ve never had it so good, so stuff it, we’re staying underground.”

“Just keep sending down the cigarettes, booze and a few alpaca burgers – and maybe a sexy lady medico to check us all out when the rescue capsule is set up – one with nice big boobies – and maybe a few puta’s too. We’re all sick of screwing young Pablo’s tight little ‘culo’ – even if he does suck, swallow, suck.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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