Wednesday, 6 October 2010

Jobhunting? Easy Peasy – go to Prison

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The legions of convicted felons, assorted scallies and hardened Asbo yobsters now constituting a Biblical multitude, and all currently enjoying a pleasant and lazy sojourn at Her Majesty’s pleasure, will be expected to work a Dickensian 40-hour week to raise money for victims of crime and cover the cost of keeping them behind bars. Well, that’s the gospel according to Ken Clarke, the Tory MP for Bums Rush and incumbent Libservative Minister for Locking Things Up.

Posh Dave Scameron’s coalition government plans to entice private firms to employ inmates in 9-to-5 jobs within prisons to end what the lard-arsed Clarke believes, in his unqualified opinion, is now a life of “enforced, bored idleness where getting out of bed is optional” – just like being a member of Parliament.

Candida Slitcrotch, director of the Prison Reform Trust, speculated with pessimism that this proposal raised critical questions concerning the future and role of disabled prisoners, to which Clarke responded with his customary obtuseness, stating that they could be trained to make walking sticks, crutches and wheelchairs.

The corpulent Clarke made the announcement at the Conservative Party conference in Birminghamstan on Tuesday, stating for the public record that the government will begin a major expansion of prison industries to eliminate the culture of sluggishness and boredom - and get more inmates working and prepared for life on the outside when they have to sign on at the Jobcentre and search for non-existent employment opportunities.

Clarke added with his trademark ludicrous logic that while he’d never been in favour of molly-coddling prisoners or offenders, the current system was failing society - as the prisons were full of people with criminal tendencies who turned to lawlessness due failing their 11-Plus exams or their GCSE’s.

Wilf Bogbrush, at the Department for Works and Pensions, confided to the media that in his opinion Clarke is “Off his effin’ rocker. Just look at the effin’ state of the bleedin’ country and unemployment. If this barmpot scheme takes off you’ll have folk saying fuck the Jobcentre cos they never find any fucker work – then pissin’ off ter do one of the Paki’ corner shop Stop an’ Rob’s fer a few quid. So if they get copped an’ find out that crime doesn’t pay from that approach, then they get tossed behind bars an’ latch on ter a nice little earner in prison.”

Thought for the day: Do you think these so-called unpaid prison jobs constitute the latest effort in re-introducing slavery?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies and misaligned references.

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