Private Prisons Want Inmate Boost

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Ronnie Crook, the inaptly-named director of the Howard League for Penal Reform, has kicked up a veritable Parliamentary debate brouhaha over a report leaked by embedded whistle-blowing moles in Whitehall to Ox-Rat, the snitch and grassers watchdog charity monitoring government incompetence and abuses.

Apparently the private prison operators Sodexo, Serco and the not-fit-for-purpose G4S, currently managing sixteen UK jails, want their respective National Offender Management Service contracts rewritten and the Home Office and Ministry of Justice to ensure the courts keep the prisons at a ‘profitable’ population level – specifically four to a cell / bunk – by dishing out custodial sentences as opposed to the current slap-on-the-wrist Community Service Orders and fines that no-one can afford to pay.

Howard League’s Crook informed one press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette that “We ponder with dread whether this useless joke of a Libservative Coalition comprehend the dangers of using the private finance initiative scheme to let slip such a vital service to an ordered society as the prison system – straight into the grasping hands of unaccountable companies – especially so the scandal-ridden G4S; all of whom are driven by a profit motive and performance bonuses – and cutting costs rather than cutting crime.”

“Juxtaposed to this factor we have a lack of investment in adequate staffing in private prisons, hence there are 25% more prisoners per officer in privately run prisons compared to the traditional HMPS administered.”

“According to our figures, Broken Britain has the highest proportion of the prison population held in private prisons in Europe, at 13% - and this price-fixing troika slapping the Exchequer with a bill for £328 million quid of taxpayers money last year for services rendered, up by £19 million from the previous year.”

“Really, our inspection of the G4S-manned Gashfield Prison in Smegmadale last July revealed it was run on similar lines to the Turkish Maltepe Gaol highlighted in the Midnight Express movie – a corrupt dump where anything goes if you have the cash or connections. You name it, drugs, booze, cellphones, whores – even an en suite cell with a view if the inmate can afford - which is why it’s getting transferred back to the aegis of Her Majesty's Prison Service.”

“It is our qualified opinion that there exists an urgent need to reassess the merits of privatisation overall, and for a wider public and Parliamentary debate on the issue – especially where the prison and NHS services are concerned – and in light of these current charges and an investigation by the NAO that Serco falsified out-of-hours doctors service records just to make the books balance.”

“Really, would Secretary Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond at the Ministry of Defence contemplate contracting a military regiment out on a PFI scheme basis to some privatised outfit like G4S - after their show of hands with Olympic Games debacle and supplying psycho serial killers for security detail work in Iraq?”
“Perhaps put them in charge of a front-line offensive against the Taliban up in Tora Bora – and see the whole mismanaged shebang throwing their hands in the air en mass and surrendering to the enemy. Then it would be up to the hapless British taxpayer to send them Red Cross food parcels and get into prisoner of war / hostage release negotiations.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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