Plods Go Bonkers: Shoot Runaway Calf

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Since receiving a legion of complaints that meet the CPS ‘Full Code Test’ the Independent Police Coverups Commission have launched a public interest inquiry into what the national gutter press redtop tabloids have now given the derogatory label of ‘Operation Knobhead’ – specifically relating to Welshpool’s dysfunctional Plod Squad being armed with sub-machine guns and stalking the town’s streets in broad daylight earlier this month – not so much hunting down Jolly Jihad Muslim terrorists out for causing a spot of chaos and mayhem by blowing up the Town Hall or DWP office – or McDonald’s chew n spew – but rather a runaway calf with an anti-social behaviour attitude problem.

Discarding the one-sided and evasive police version of events and instead relying on the independent reports of eye-witness bystanders with no reason to lie or obscure facts, apparently a heifer, obviously fed up with being prodded and poked to estimate its worth, threw a bit of a wobbler, jumped over a fence and did a mad dash escape from the town’s weekly livestock market.

A veritable legion of gob-smacked pedestrian shoppers in Welshpool’s High Street watched as their local Plod Squad’s SWAT Team turned up in force – and leaving nothing to chance, were kitted out to the nines in Kendo style body armour and helmets, brandishing Heckler-Koch G36C 5.56mm sub-machine carbines – at the sight of which the common herd’s headless chicken factor kicked in, with shoppers going into panic mode and running around screaming “Incoming – it’s an al Qaeda terrorist attack!”.

The plods were joined by farmers and an auctioneer after the distraught animal was eventually cornered in a private garden, where it proceeded to have a chew at the hedge and lawn.
The property was cordoned off and after more than two hours of having a vet try to negotiate with the animal to surrender and go quietly, a police marksman was called in to put the heifer down once the multiple Taser stun strategy failed and simply served to agitate the beast even more.

Welshpool police spokesperson WPC Bev Titwank informed media hacks “We received a report this morning that a cow had escaped from Welshpool Livestock Market and might make an attempt to jump over the Moon, like that one in the nursery rhyme. There were concerns for the safety of the general public and police personnel as the animal had obviously turned nasty and might have bitten one of our officers and given them rabies. Hence a tactical decision was made by our HQ to shoot it so we could all go for lunch.”

Conversely town residents condemned the police’s disproportionate reaction as being ‘over the top'.
Mrs Candida Muffitch, who saw the incident, informed one press hack from the Abattoir Gazette that the response was “An utter clusterfuck, wot wiv all them stupid plods runnin’ around like a bunch of nancy boys. Why did they have to shoot the poor fuckin’ animal, there was no need, it was only a little soddin’ heifer.”

Chantelle McSkanger, a 15-year old mother of three who watched the cornering and unwarranted slaughter of the calf from a bedroom window with her aghast children, had this to say. “Wot a set of stupid cunts, first they’re all shoutin’ at the cow, then throwin’ stones at it, then they tasered it, then some twat wiv a rifle comes an’ shot it four times before it fell over dead.”

“Fer fuck’s sake, it woz a massive over-reaction an’ completely unnecessary cos farmers have ter catch runaway cows all the time – an’ let’s not lose sight of the fact it woz cattle market day fer Christ’s sake, so how many farm labourer types an’ pikey rustlers woz there wot’s used ter man-handlin’ stubborn cattle that get a bit of a cob on, an’ could have solved the problem – an’ not call the effin’ Plod Squad whose only ‘one size fits all’ solution is ter shoot the poor thing.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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