Monday, 29 October 2012

QE2 Slums it on School Slop

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Her Royal Majesty Queen Lizzie, the Mk 2 Windsor (read Haus Saxe-Coburg-Gotha) model, sat down to a six course lunch at a new Asbo Central Academy in north London’s Doggers Wood last Thursday, where deep fried ‘bad cholesterol’ chips and toxic turkey twizzlers were prudently excised from the Vomitarium’s regular menu for the regal visit.

HRH Queen Liz’s (call me Brenda) exalted presence, accompanied by her nonagenarian, useless eater Greek exile hubby, His Royal Rudeness, Prince Stavros of Edinburgh, was to officially open the new £25 million quid state school funded by the Rothshite bankster crime syndicate’s PFI education arm.

It was originally intended to invite the Royal Plant Whisperer, Prince Chazzer to perform the ribbon-cutting ceremony, along with his chain-smoking troll of a missus Gorgonzilla, the Duchess of Cornhole, but apparently he had a previous engagement at Kew Gardens, giving a personal empowerment lecture to a greenhouse of depressed tropical bromeliads suffering from lack of self-esteem and other arboreal-related psychosis issues.

Her Majesty was joined by senior staff along with several classes of scally pupils and served from a menu which included a starter of white rhino hock terrine, with baby plum tomato relish and basil dressing; followed by a rack of unborn Persian lamb garnished with baby grey whale puke; fillet of Madagascan coelacanth steamed in armadillo urine – plus heaped tureens of Dauphinoise potatoes, buttered lark’s eyeballs, meerkat testicle puree and pinot noir jus – plus a special request serving of greasy souvlaki kebabs and moussaka for Prince Stavros.

For dessert there was no jam roly-poly and snotty custard but a flambé of aardvark foreskins and ginger creme brulee with tuile biscuit.
Wine was provided for the over-11’s, who washed down the meal with some of Bargain Booze’s finest vintages – a Montagny 1er Cru La Grande Roche al la Tesco 2010 and a Chateaux Le Dogpiss 2005 – with the half-sozzled assembly proposing a toast of “God save Queen Liz – wish she was here every day fer lunch cos it’s back ter the usual shit - twizzlers, chips an’ beans tomoz.”

Mr Sal Monella - the former Poisoner-in-Chief for the catering division of the National Ill-Health Service Liverpool Care Pathway ‘Snuff-an-Oldie’ project - and now a consultant for E. Coli Catering - the PFI contractor who laid on the scrumptious lunch – spoke to one press hack from the Chunderama Gazette and made reference to Naked Chef Jamie Oliver's campaign for healthier school meals - joking they no longer served Biffo’s Barf Burgers, Pol Pot Insta-Noodles or Pukerella’s Pizza - or any other brand of chew n spew junk food.

“From here on it’s going to be all organic and free of any genetically-modified crap – none of those toxic Monsanto Mutant Meals or Syngenta Frankenfoods that have a similar half life to plutonium. Our ingredients are hand-picked from one of the Greedy Grocer chains on a daily basis – Pestco or Pukesburys, or Mammon & Snobfords.”

“A big plus for us to meet with the requirements of PM Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society concept is of course the ability to comply with the dietary preferences of a multi-cultural pupil population here at Doggers Wood Asbo Central Academy, specifically the novel introduction of our avant-garde ‘Ethnic Eats’ halal / kosher carvery that caters to every palate – including the Albanian pikey kids with roast swan, Hedgehog Wellington for the Gyppo contingent, and poached carp in vodka for the Polacks.”

During the lunch sitting Her Majesty was bombarded with a legion of candid questions from pupils wanting to know “Are you really a shape-shifting lizard that drinks baby’s blood when the moon’s full?” and “Why do all your children have big ears?” plus “Why did you have Princess Di’ murdered?” and “Is the ginger-mingin Prince Harry really a royal cuckoo?” – along with the inevitable “Why did you marry that nasty, ill-mannered old bastard Stavros?”

Following the banquet style repast, Queen Liz and her entourage of disposable food tasters and close-in security were treated to a tour of the school’s facilities and watched as Muslim pupils in the science class experiment with a blend of black pepper and peroxide to build a sub-nuclear IED - then stuffed it in a backpack and blew up the kiddie fiddling chief janitor’s Volkswagen Golf in the car park.

To cap the royal visit – and much to Lizzie’s mirthful delight - sixth form drama students Feryl Beryl McSkanger and Toxic Tessie Trollenberg staged scenes in the school hall from the musical ‘Little Shop Of Horrors’ in which the incontinent Prince Stavros played a cameo role as the reincarnated ‘Virus Man’ and single-handedly caused a global pandemic.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Best laugh this week