Monday, 29 October 2012

How Not to Run a Rail Franchise

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

If Virgin Trains boss Richard Branston-Pickle reckons that the Scaberdeen-based WorstGroup aren’t up to running the West Coast Mainline rail travel franchise – how about this clusterfuck excuse for a government-approved train service operator doing their utmost to impersonate some incompetent Third World basket case public service company and make sure Britain remains ‘Broken’ with a large capital B.

London Midland Express, sporting a bankster style ‘too big to fail’ aura of zero accountability, have cancelled more than 400 train journeys over the past three weeks period due a shortage of drivers - then aborted a further 58 last Saturday, encumbering the British public in transit not only with massive inconvenience but a fusillade of travel chaos – with critics suggesting the not-fit-for-purpose company’s advertising slogan of ‘Buy cheap tickets now!’ should be amended to include the words ‘and travel by bus!’

Chlamydia Mingerot, the head office spokeswoman for the company, which was contracted to run 1,300 services a day, informed one press hack from the Lame Duck Gazette that 410 trains had been cancelled since the 7th October and other services disrupted when drivers quit halfway through a journey and caught a bus home due a dispute over conditions and pay – with a further 38 trains cancelled on Friday and 58 on Saturday.

The London Midland website carries a self-condemning statement that "Due to a temporary shortfall of qualified train drivers (over 400) we have had to cancel a number of trains in recent weeks – so we extend our apologies to all passengers who have been affected by this shortfall, which will hopefully be addressed by mid-December 2013.”

The Lib-Dum Rail Minister Norman Baker, well equipped to oversee Britain’s rail services with his London University degree in German, has warned the erring company he has his ‘beady eye’ on their lackadaisical performance – specifically the vital rail link service between London and Brummystan – the Venice of the West Midlands.

Ron McScrote, a member of Brummystan’s Chamber of Commerce and the passenger group Travel Snafus, informed media hacks that "The situation’s gettin’ worse wiv every effin’ day wot passes an’ calls inter question the competence of London Midland wot’s definitely not up ter meetin’ their contractual obligations.”

“Wot we have here is yet another bunch of PFI amateurs posin’ as professionals, an’ offerin’ double the discomfort an’ inconvenience at twice the price – an’ it’s simply not acceptable cos it’s affectin’ services across the West Midlands region an’ it’s like Russian roulette wiv travel cos people can’t get ter work – an’ if they do then they can’t get home again. Buyin’ a ticket wiv this outfit should carry an effin’ health warnin’.”

“Seriously, this is a right old dog an’ pony show - a circus wivout a tent – an’ we’ve seen better organised riots. I kid you not, havin’ this company hangin’ on ter a commuter rail franchise they cannot service is like the entire Midlands community bein’ shackled ter an effin’ corpse.”

“The poxy London Midland group’s bein’ run by a bunch of dog wankers cos yer got this Patrick Verwer bloke wot’s the company CEO, now runnin’ a passenger train service followin’ a career in uniform on the Rotterdam Plod Squad.”
“The yer got their Human Resources Director, this Geraldine ‘Pepsi’ Goddard character wot in my mind’’s ter blame fer bein’ a couple of truckloads short of effin’ train drivers – qualified or otherwise.”
“The entire boardroom shebang should hang their effin’ heads in shame, then go out and give their annual performance bonuses ter charity – an’ do like wot their Japanese contemporaries does an’ commit ritual seppuku.”

So, is London Midland fated to go the same way as other under-performing service providers alike Practical Pig Rail which ceased trading in 2003 following the Baconsfield disaster?
Following the recent Virgin Trains West Coast Mainline service challenge we now have the competence of Worst Group called into question – same as predecessors Ripoff Rail, Rattle-Track, Sardine Mainline, Notwork Rail, First Crapita Connect, Jarvis Junk Rail, Inter-Shitty Excess, Snail-Rail and Caledonian Creeper who, derailments besides, seem to have forgotten what a timetable encompasses.

Thought for the day. Come back British Rail – all is forgiven – and may Dr Richard ‘Baldy’ Beeching rot in the eternal fires of Hades for his sins of fucking up a system that worked. Okay, so British rail lost money – same as our government do every day - but in their case provided a stellar public service.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Quinn said...

Like your satirical rail service names - esp RATTLE-TRACK.