Lancs Plod Gets Moron of the Year Award

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Nice to be gifted with the benefits of 20/20 hindsight and review the litany of ‘What the fuck could go wrong next’ incidents involving our national Plod Squad, where we have the Met’s crack top gun SO19 Armed Response Unit deploying their Kratos ‘shoot first – ask questions later’ strategy on Stockwell tube station back in 2005 and multi-tapping a Brazilian electrician in the skull as they don’t know shit from shinola and mistook the hapless sod for a Muslim terrorist.

Next on the long list of major fuck-ups, career thug PC Simon Harwood beats Ian Tomlinson, an innocent passer-by news vendor, to death as part of an April Fool’s Day joke at the 2009 G20 demonstrations – twatting him across the back of the legs with a police issue Asp telescopic steel baton then shoved him violently to the concrete pavement, simply due the fact he’d had a bad day – and following protracted judicial wrangles is found not guilty of manslaughter or even common assault – or negatively contributing in any shape or form to the hapless Tomlinson’s untimely death.

Then half-chat reputed bad boy Marky Duggan (unarmed) is disposed of by the Met’s bungling sharp-shooters in yet another botched extra-judicial killing that kick started the Tottenham riots of 2011 - which spread across our once-sceptred isle like a dose of clap in a Rotherham whore house – and left millions feared dead.

To wit, one would obviously conclude that the UK’s Plod Squad wallies have by now learned their lesson and engage brain before committing similar fatal mistakes. Ah-ha, think again, for this is an intellectually-challenged bunch of knuckle-draggers we’re talking about here - not some television police outfit trained by a common sense guru who have the double-indemnity insurance facility of a script-writer to make sure they don’t fuck up unintentionally before zillions of mesmerised viewers.

So, the latest case to be referred to the IPCC (Independent Police Coverups Commission) is one involving a uniformed officer with the Lancashire force, specifically PC Norman Clott, a former security guard with Renta-Moron, known to friends and associates alike as a right knobhead who doesn’t know his arse from his elbow.

PC Clott had been dispatched to Chorley town centre last Friday afternoon, following the receipt of several reports concerning a man who appeared to be drunk and disorderly, roaming around in broad daylight, armed with a Japanese samurai sword and shouting “Banzai!” at terrified shoppers.

In what has got to constitute the biggest fuck up since the last big fuck up, former architectural company director Colin Farmer, 61, a registered blind person now retired since suffering two strokes – the second in March this year, which left him hospitalised for two months - was walking along Upper Fuckwit Street to meet with friends at the local Rat & Pikey boozer, nonchalantly tapping his white stick against the pavement kerb when PC Clott shouted “Drop the sword yer scally twat or else I’m gonna zap yer!”

Obviously the sightless Mr Farmer thought this order was directed at some other erring member of the public pedestrian traffic flow and continued tapping his way down the street – until a few paces further, right outside the town’s popular Practical Pig restaurant – in front of a veritable legion of eye witnesses - he was struck in the back by PC Clott’s Taser and belted with a 50,000 volts discharge.

To add insult to injury, Clott then rolled the prostrate suspect on his stomach, forced his hands behind his back and cuffed him – wholly ignoring Farmer’s protestations of “I’m blind, you stupid twat, and that’s my white stick, not a fucking sword or a Star Wars light sabre.”

After securing his ‘quarry’, PC Clott was joined by other officers who collectively got their heads together and came to the conclusion that Mr Farmer, regardless of not being accompanied by the customary Labrador guide dog, was actually blind and his white stick wasn’t a sword and hence didn’t really constitute a dangerous weapon, and were kind enough to drive the traumatised senior citizen to the nearest hospital for a check up.

Thought for the day: Talk about discerning ‘shit from shinola’ – not only are these clowns unable to tell the difference between a Brazilian Christian sparky and an Asian Paki Muslim bomb-toting terrorist patsy, they can’t differentiate between a vision-impaired person’s white stick and a Japanese katana.

Reflecting on the above snafu, this doesn’t bear thinking about – but our dog and pony show of a Libservative Coalition, along with the UK’s neo-fascist law and order proponents, want to equip every dog wanker on the force with a Taser - with even more pushing to arm the entire Plod Squad with 9mm parabellum Glock side arms.
There are currently 12,000 Tasers being carried by plods, but under Police Federation plans that will be increased to 36,000.

Really, where the fuck do they recruit these people from – or simply shake the trees? The mind truly boggles. Hopefully the Plod Squad’s latest victim has a legion of ambulance-chasing ‘no win-no fee’ legal beagles camped on his Chorley doorstep and whispering that magic word through the letter box: ‘Compensation’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.