Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Motoring Public to be Doubly-Shafted

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In what has got to be the most moronic, tosspot of an idea they’ve come up with since the last moronic, tosspot of an idea, the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next, working in conjunction with Whitehall’s Department for Wasting Time & Money, has been evolving a scheme first conceived by the Cabinet’s ‘Nudge Unit’ – to cover a budget shortfall caused through the spendthrift funding of occupational military aggression operations in Afghanistan, and the proxy civil wars in Libya and Syria – (plus giving away zillions in aid to Third World shitholes ‘and’ the EUSSR kleptocrats in Brussels) - by introducing a ‘two-tier’ road tax system: specifically wherein motorists will have to fork out more to drive on the very motorways they’ve already paid for over the passage of many years via one form of official extortion or another.

To put the onus for the fatally-flawed scheme on someone else’s shoulders in case it morphs into a master class fubar, the ball has now been passed to the Ministry of Transport’s court where a team of bureaucratic jobsworths are examining plans for an overhaul of vehicle excise duty which currently rips off motorists for £6 billion quid per annum.

Under the proposed scheme all drivers will be constrained to pay the first charge, permitting them to use local byways and lanes - however motorists needing to access motorways and major A-roads will be stung with paying a higher schedule of road tax.

The primary public reaction is to question what end product this bunch of Libservative Coalition dipshits are hoping to achieve with their self-harm political suicide endeavour - to go down in history as the most despised and useless government on record – or instigate a bloody class war revolution that rids our once sceptred isle of the scrounging monarchy and governing elitist fraternity who seem intent on bleeding the working man dry?

To conceal the true reasons for this radical scam being scrutinised and thus exposed to the media and public at large, and divert attention from Chancellor Georg ‘First Class’ Osborne’s reign of error, the Treasury is claiming the budget shortfall has been caused by families switching to carbon friendly cars that incurred a lower schedule of road tax.

Que - surely the differential in road tax has achieved what was intended – or did the tossers who introduced the system not believe it would ever prove to be a success – and overlooked the sore thumb obvious fact that if it was a success it would result in lower tax revenues?

Hmmm, obviously no forward planning crystal ball was used on this one by our Treasury bean counters – all products of the Wilkins Micawber Institute of Advanced Economic Chaos Theory.

So this is what we’re to expect in the New Year from Dick Turpin, the Minister for Highway Robbery, when the Libservatives force their all-new ‘two-tier’ rip-offs system down our collective throats – along with the scheduled increase of fuel duty in January.

Not only are the motoring public being screwed up the proverbial arse viz gasoline / diesel prices, with it costing £50 quid to fill up from a quarter tank the average three door hatchback 1.4 litre – of which £40 is the cost of fuel plus duty (fuel = £17 / duty = £23) – and £10 in VAT at 20% = £33 nicker going to the Exchequer.

Then on top of that little lot of being ripped off by the oil companies ‘and’ HMRC, we have a crippling mandatory regime of vehicle insurance which runs into £££ mega-bucks even for mature drivers with no claims (and GDP / National Debt figures for the hapless under-25’s) - plus the regular road tax licence which averages out at £140 quid for a small family run-about.

Hey ho – with a first and second-class system imposed it will be cheaper to use the B roads – so travel chaos here we come - with vehicular accident injuries (and mortalities) occupying emergency services 24/7 and congesting a swathe of NHS A & E departments - and mortuaries.

Okay, instead of reforming the vehicle excise duty regime with this ill-conceived system, how about we apply a spot of common sense and stop wasting fucking money – perhaps that might plug the budget shortfall wormhole through which taxpaying electorate’s cash seems to get sucked and disappears into a shroud of ‘dark matter’ from which fuck all ever emerges.
Alas, as Will Rogers once stated “The one thing about common sense is the fact it ain’t too common.”

Fellattia van der Gamm, director of the Twat-Watch government mismanagement monitor charity, informed media hacks that “For too long British drivers have been extorted into paying over the odds for a potholed road network that isn’t up to scratch. Our useless government needs to privatise the entire road network, which will raise more than £150 billion nicker – then motoring taxes can be phased out altogether and replaced with highway tolls that would charge a mere six pence per mile for travelling on new motorway routes. Specifically users will pay less under a privatised road network and have a better quality network.”

“Let’s not lose sight of the lamentable fact that our A and B road systems were designed for horses and penny-farthings, then with the advent of motor cars one of Westminster’s bright sparks drew a series of lines on a map, which were followed by a bunch of Irish navvies who came along and filled them all in with tarmac – hence the fucked up highways and traffic congestion we have today.”

* Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals - otters or voles - were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Thought for the day: One way to abort this scheme - November 5th comes around next week – how about we go down the House of Conmans and finish off what Guy Fawkes started out to do before he got grassed up?

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

Quinn said...

That's a fact - 'someone drew a bunch of lines on a map and a bunch of Paddy navvies came along and filled them in with tarmac'. Love the insight and black humour there.