Wednesday, 3 October 2012

UK Jobless Down Due Creative Accounting

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to the Department of Works & Pensions disingenuously claims that UK unemployment has registered its first fall since the Libservative Coalition took over the reins of power from New Labour in May 2010 – a dubious fact based on figures compiled by the profit-motivated Jobcentre Plus quango.

Likewise the Office for National Statistics, following a round of manipulative numbers juggling, issued a supportive press release that unemployment fell by 35,000 to a mere 2.65 million over the December-to-February period period – mainly due thousands of homeless squatters freezing to death across Broken Britain’s ubiquitous landfill sites and no longer signing on.

Conversely the anti-EUSSR ‘Jobs-4-Brits First’ activist group spokesman Bazzer McScrote told one press hack from the Xenophobes Gazette that “It’s all a load of bollocks cos the unemployment rate’s now at a 12-year high of 8.5% of the work-eligible population an’ the only effin’ reason the poxy Jobcentre’s figures are down is cos they’ve stopped payin’ jobseekers allowance ter 350,000 unemployed bodies cos they can’t find a job.”

“Now that’s the Catch 22 situation cos yer faced wiv a proverbial needle in the effin’ haystack situation cos there is no jobs ter be had cos some Polish twat called Pavel an’ his swan-poachin’ Albanian mate Costas have gobbled up the vacancies at the Royal Mail an’ shelf stackin’ at the Pestco Greedy Grocer supermarket chains cos they’ve got some forged diploma or degree from the University of Fuck Knows Where in Advanced Bullshitting an’ they’ll work fer shit wages.”

Responding to the latest figures, TUC spokesperson Fellatia van der Gamm informed reporters "While any rise in the number of jobs is welcome, the fact is that full-time employment is still falling like a lead balloon and a record 1.4 million are now stuck in involuntary part-time work.”
“Hence despite this latest ‘fantasy’ decrease the DWP and Jobcentre Plus are bandying about as whole cloth, the veracity of the situation conflicts with their figures as the level of unemployment is significantly higher than it was a year ago - specifically 170,000 more than it was at the same point in 2011.”

Tory Employment Minister Markie Hoban, anxious not to be left out, and expound his two-penneth of moronic waffle, said: " Regardless of the rate of youth unemployment, being at 22.2%, one of the things we are seeing is more people who have found jobs actually coming back into the workplace to – er - work. Some of those moving into part-time work are women who either have children and are coming back into part-time employment because they are at school – the children, I mean - or who are older and the children are grown-up and are taking part-time jobs to support the booze and drug habits of their unemployed sprogs.”

“Really, I’m sick of these media hacks slamming our job creation scheme for unemployed youths where they can go and work for Biffo’s Barf Burger or one of the other chew and spew fast food outlets – or the Mammon & Snobfords department stores – or even a Pound Stretcher branch. Okay, they might not get paid for working there but it’s not really slave labour when they’re getting work experience on how to stack shelves, brew tea and sweep up.”
“Broken Britain’s potential employers need to give our feckless youths a chance before employing these EU economic migrants and do precisely what Posh Dave Scameron has ordained – Hug a Hoodie.”

However Ian Duncan Smut, the Tory Works and Pensions Minister - and incumbent MP for the BBC Children’s Hour constituency of Chigley - fielded a devious ‘blue skies’ thinking approach when informing media reporters that "Okay, I’ll admit, if you look at the longer-term picture then unemployment skyrocketed on a par with inflation during the recent rain-swept excuse we refer to as summer, but the increases are likely to tail off a bit towards the end of the year with people finding festive season work like chopping down Xmas trees, gritting the roads and doing the Santa Claus act at their local department stores – and getting jobs as the arse-end of a horse in a pantomime."

“Now with the claimant count shooting up by a record 35,600 in August to 1.61 million, we’re planning a drastic remedial approach and intend to start a recruitment campaign to get the unemployed youth to sign up for three years with the Army.”
“Really, the 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment and the 18th Body Bag Brigade are literally crying out for reinforcements up in Afghanistan now we’ve got involved with keeping a NATO force in Libya – and Yemen, and Somalia, and Christ knows where else.”

“So we obviously need a steady influx of warm bodies who can point a gun and are all trained up for the planned NATO action in Syria – then the land invasion of Iran once the Israelis and their American stooges eventually get round to launching this pre-emptive first strike and kick starting World War Three – which is going to provide thousands of lucrative job opportunities in the arms and prosthetics and undertaking industries when Russia and China join in the fray.”

Thought for the day. To quote the iconic philosophy of systems theorist Richard Buckminster Fuller:
“We must do away with the absolutely specious notion that everybody has to earn a living. It is a fact today that one in ten thousand of us can make a technological breakthrough capable of supporting all the rest."
"The youth of today are absolutely right in recognizing this nonsense of earning a living. We keep inventing jobs because of this false idea that everybody has to be employed at some kind of drudgery because, according to Malthusian-Darwinian theory, he must justify his right to exist. So we have inspectors of inspectors and people making instruments for inspectors to inspect inspectors."
"The true business of people should be to go back to school and think about whatever it was they were thinking about before somebody came along and told them they had to earn a living.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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