Friday, 12 October 2012

Toddler Gets Scotch for Birthday Tipple

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Wankie and Bunny's chew n spew fast food restaurant in sordid Swansea has apologised after toddler Ronnie was served a double shot of 10 year old Sassenach’s Delight malt whisky at his birthday party.
Chantelle McSkanger, a 16-year old mother of three, claims she only realised the mistake after he finished the drink and shouted to the topless waitress “Hit me again, baby.”

“We went ter the restaurant fer little Ronnie’s 2nd birthday an’ I ordered him a Meths Breezer, wot’s his favourite. Anyways, I woz busy wiv me new iPhone 4, textin’ the effin’ DWP about’ me overdue child benefit and welfare payments an’ me Mum woz supposed ter be lookin’ after the effin’ kids an’ not chattin’ up some horny Albanian barman wiv a banana stuck down his PJ Proby spray-on black stretch denim pants like one of them Dago matadors wot yer see in Pamplona at the San Fermin festival an’ the runnin’ of the bulls.”

“Then before yer can say ‘Bollocks!’ Ronnie gets up on the table an’ starts singin’ his effin’ head off wiv the karaoke thingy an’ strippin’ down ter his jocks like wot he’d seen on the telly in that Magic Mike pirate video wot we downloaded from Kickass Torrents last week.”

“Next thing I know he goes arse over tit an’ ends up flat out wiv his head in the effin’ guacamole - pissed as a rat. I thought he might have bin at his Dad’s cannabis brownies again, so I smells his breath an’ fuck me up the bum wiv a ragman’s trumpet, he stinks of effin’ whiskey.”
“So I grabs hold of the effin’ manager an’ sez what the fuck you bin servin’ me nipper an’ she has a sniff at the glass an' gets all apologetic like an’ calls the NHS Direct wot sez “Oh, if he’s pissed then just let him sleep it off” – so I grabs the effin’ phone an’ sez ter this jobsworth dildo of a nurse “Look yer stupid twat, he’s only two fuckin’ years old – this shit might kill him” – so then they sends an ambulance an’ paramedics ter take Ronnie ter the A & E ter get his stomach pumped out.”

“I woz really disappointed wiv the staff's reaction cos the barman woz laughin’ his nuts off, so me an’ Mum went across an’ punched his effin’ lights out an’ put the boot in too – an’ I told the prick “Fer fuck’s sake, yer stupid pikey twat - that woz neat whiskey wot yer served my little Ronnie – an’ not even a couple of cubes of ice or a splash of soda wiv it.”
“But wot really pissed me off woz the fact I got hit fer a double Scotch on the effin’ bill – plus VAT an’ a service charge.”

Ms Chlamydia Mingerot, a spokeswoman for Wankie and Bunny's, informed amused press hacks that "The company is incredibly sorry for what occurred, which was a human error, and we are putting measures in place to ensure it never happens again - by only employing British bar staff that can read and speak English.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


wiggins said...


Anonymous said...

Gotta agree - a magic bit of twisted - 'skewed' humour on a real live piece of news