Benefit Scroungers Cop Booze n Cigs Ban

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

It has now been confirmed that 120,000 dysfunctional families across the length and breadth of Broken Britain are to be legitimately banned from spending their drastically-depleted welfare benefits on the odd half ounce of smuggled Old Rope rolling tobacco or a six pack of Meths Breezers under a fresh batch of draconian Big Brother ‘womb to tomb’ regulations set to be fielded by the Department of Works and Pensions.

Work shy individuals now branded with the social stigmata of being a live-in member of an FUF unit (Fucked Up Families) and living high on the social benefits hog will henceforth be legally barred from spending welfare money on booze, baccy or drugs, under plans being drawn up in Whitehall.

DWP Minister Iain Duncan Smith, the incumbent Tory MP for the Chigley and Camberwick Green constituency, is pushing legislation in the House of Conmans that will see so-called ‘problem’ families receiving their welfare payments on smart cards, rather than in cash that can be flittered away in Bingo halls or squandered over the counter at one of Flatbrokes betting shops – or used to buy goods from Bargain Booze or the Yardie drug-pushing pimp that has a pitch outside the local corner Paki shop on most sink or swim council housing estates.

The proposed cards will contain coded restrictions to authorise payments for ‘priority’ items such as Sky TV subscriptions, Red Bull, iPhone 4 apps and top ups, multi-packs of Walker’s crisps, toilet rolls, sanitary towels and dog food for the baby-biting family Pitbull terrier.

For some moronic reason Smith, formerly Shadow Minister for Firewood, has got a skewed notion into his pointy bald head that these troubled families will have their lives turned around if he prevents alcoholic parents, who enjoy a daily drug boost, from using welfare payments to fuel their addictions – and since Communities Secretary Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Pickles has done fuck all to solve the problem, to achieve this end Smith’s tasked a team of hapless DWP civil servants with the job of conjuring up a bevy of strategy proposals to field before Parliament in the next month.

Working in unison with Smith’s DWP, Louise ‘Three Chins’ Casey – a one-time coal heaver’s mate who rebranded herself as the Libservative Coalition’s ginger-mingin gobshite excuse for a ‘Dysfunctional Families Tsar’ – has informed local councils they won’t receive a single penny from the £440 million quid social rejuvenation kitty to tackle problem families until they can show that their interventions have secured a positive change, such as less underage pregnancies, truanting, antisocial behaviour, booze and drug addiction - and have implemented a complete stop to the culture of incest and breeding even more brain-dead mongrel NEET kids.

Conversely, and Smith’s fascist cradle to grave compliance ideas besides, the Government cannot currently stipulate how people spend their benefits money and the law will have to be changed to implement such a Nanny State policy.

In the immediate aftermath of the 2011 riots in English cities, caused by the UK’s out of control Plod Squad summarily executing a Tottenham-based coloured male scally to avoid the inconvenience of arrest paperwork and a trial, Prime Minister Posh Dave Scameron gave up on his misconceived Hug a Hoodie scheme and instead pledged to turn around the lives of an estimated 120,000 dysfunctional families by 2015.

As to the so-called ‘dysfunctional families’ themselves, Chantelle McSkanger, a 15-year old mother of three and resident of Asbo Avenue in the chaotic social nightmare marked on the Greater London area map as Slumborough Hamlets, had this to say to one press hack from the Scroungers Gazette.
“So the DWP’s gonna start issuin’ us wiv Oyster or Lobster style cards wot’s topped up every two weeks so we get eff’ all cash. Well that’s not gonna work down the local market or at Pikey Pete’s car boot emporium, now is it. Where does this bunch of shit-fer-brains twats come up wiv these fuckin’ ideas.”

“I’m gonna be e-mailin’ Shabby Acrobati down at Liberty later cos this is a right crock of shit an’ infringes on our human rights an’ dignity, tellin’ us that we can’t watch our BMI an’ waistlines an’ calorie intakes by missin’ a meal an’ havin’ a couple of Jaegerbombs or a bifta fer supper instead of some greasy Pestco Greedy Grocer microwave-ready slop wots full of effin’ preservatives an’ other shite wot’s not good fer yer ticker.”

“My kids are that shagged out from watchin’ telly or playin’ on the X-Box ‘til midnight then getting’ up fer school at seven o’clock in a mornin’ an’ they haven’t got the energy ter even play truant an’ need a boost ter motivate them ter get their arses off ter classes. So if we’re barred from spendin’ a few quid of our benefits money on a couple grams of snort ter give the kids a bit of a pre-school boost then they’re gonna be stuck in front of the effin’ goggle box all day as well.”

“It’s okay Scameron goin’ on about turnin’ Broken Britain’s dysfunctional families around. Some effin’ chance indeed – let’s start with our dysfunctional government – and the elitist over-privileged scumbags infesting Buckingham Palace first – them full of shit morons wot claims a ‘divine right ter rule’.

Thought for the day. So much for William Beveridge’s semi-utopian ideal of a welfare state when 60-odd years after such was implemented by a ‘Labour Government’, this bunch of Tory / Lib-Dum tossers running the dog and pony show fuck up of a coalition come along and devastate the founder’s good works.
The much-vaunted ‘welfare revolution’ manifests today as ‘welfare chaos’ – with Duncan-Smith declaring that school leavers will be barred from automatically claiming housing benefit and must suffer a couple of years living in a now-illegal squat – or camping out on a landfill site.

To wit, fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the bonkers batshit Nanny State.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.