Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Tory Minister with Job Threatens Jobless

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Persons our dysfunctional Libservative Coalition’s Renta-Moron private finance initiative contractors now reassess and brand as unemployed welfare scroungers, who, in their unqualified opinions, do not make enough of an effort to find work in Broken Britain’s current ‘jobless’ environment, face a rude awakening from Monday, 22nd October, under new rules which will see them stripped of their welfare benefits for three years – even if they are no longer eligible to receive the pittance of a jobseekers allowance.

Tory MP Mark Hoban - recently-promoted to the post of Employment Secretary following PM Austerity Dave Scameron’s ‘ethnic cleansing’ cabinet reshuffle that left scores of former ministers shell-shocked and traumatised and running back to their provincial constituencies in tears, with self-esteem / ego quotients shattered - informed one press hack from the Totalitarians Gazette that he was set to deliver a warning to out of work slackers who fail to roll up their sleeves and think they can continue to screw the system and live off dole-outs from the taxpayer’s purse like House of Conmans MPs.

Hoban, formerly the shadow Minister for Bean Counting (yes, another blinkered ‘red pen’ accountant) and known to family, friends and political associates alike as a right nasty cunt, concluded with “I’ve got a surprise for them – as the benefits cornucopia wellspring is about to dry up when I introduce my tough new ‘three strikes and you’re out’ programme.”

“Of course, we are committed to supporting people who cannot work through ill health or disability, which our PFI contractors, Atosspots Wealthcare, have been tasked with reassessing after they’ve finished sorting out all these special needs and disabled slackers. But for people who can work yet refuse to go out when it’s raining or too cold, to do the rounds knocking on doors like the Boy Scouts for Bob-a-Job Week, and offering to cut someone’s hedge or lawn for a couple of quid – or take their dog a walk - then the new ruling is going to come as a rude awakening.”

This system of escalating penalties came into force on Monday and will kibosh the payment of Jobseekers Allowance to slackers from the current six months to three years – with social activist groups predicting a massive surge in crime as the cash-strapped and malnourished unemployed are left with no choice but to resort to mugging pensioners or shoplifting at one of the ubiquitous Greedy Grocer branches to get their daily fixes of junk food and Bitch Thumper lager.

According to figures from the Department for Work and Pensions, their jobcentre ‘jobsworths’ took punitive actions against half a million claimants for not finding work over the last year – a figure that included some 75,000 skilled workers who refused to strip themselves of all semblance of dignity and accept morale-destroying minimum wage jobs that required no more than the IQ of a treadmill-slogging hamster to fulfil.

Doubtless this fatally-flawed ‘one size fits all’ penalty scheme will add to the worsening relations on welfare policy between the Tories and their bourgeois Lib-Dum coalition partners – especially so amid reports that Chancellor Georgie ‘First Class’ Osborne is mulling if he can get away with freezing all benefits from April 2013 – if anyone is still around after December 21st 2012 when the enigmatic 5,125 year Mayan Long Count calendar runs out of ‘tomorrows’ and makes a total Apocalyptic fuck up of this year’s Christmas holiday.

The new round of benefit cuts, designed to pay for the Ministry of Defence’s planned military actions against Iran - and keeping 9,000 troops in Afghanistan as part of the ‘never-ending’ Operation Enduring Warfare campaign to safeguard the opium crops and act as targets for Taliban snipers and IED bombers, also includes proposals to remove housing benefit for those aged under 65 –along with the sadly diminished Winter Fuel Allowance – set to be ‘further diminished’ this Yuletide season to what one canny pensioner referred to as “sweet fuck all”.

Thought for the day. Fuck Mark Hoban and the horse he rode in on – and the entire Dog & Pony Show fubar now referred to as the Libservative Coalition. May they all live in interesting times.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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