Plod Squad Boss Fired for ‘Scumbaggery’

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The Independent Police Coverups Commission hearing into a litany of dirty deeds done on the cheap by the graft and corruption-ridden top dog ranks of Smegmadale’s Plod Squad has found Chief Constable Sean Pricelist guilty of gross misconduct by abuse of position and corrupt practices – including rampant nepotism, the profligate personal use of corporate credit cards (£55,000 nicker over 5 years) and other financial improprieties – and recommended his employment be terminated immediately - if not sooner.

Speaking to one gutter press hack from the red top Scally’s Gazette following the announcement of the IPCC verdict, the scandalised Pricelist – sans his customary shit-eating grin - stated he was extremely disappointed with the outcome and hoped the sacking would in no way affect his pension when his current employment contract expires in March 2013.

In 2009 Pricelist picked up a salary of £130,000 and had received a retention package worth £50,000 per annum since 2006 to prevent him being poached by other forces. In addition he received an ‘honorarium’ of £24,000 – along with a £20,000 quid bumper bonus for - (don’t laugh at the irony) – cutting crime by 17%; plus £4,000 a year towards private school fees; a £32,000 car allowance and £1,000 in private health insurance.

Pricelist, who becomes the only Masonic chief constable ever to be found guilty of, and subsequently sacked for, abuse of the public’s trust and misconduct in public office since Sir Robert Peel founded the first Plod Squad in 1829, claimed “These disciplinary proceedings have come to an incorrect conclusion, mainly due the fact there were none of my Brother Freemasons sat on the IPCC panel. Hence it’s now time to start rattling a few skeletons in government closets and set matters straight – before CPS Director Keir Stammerer decides to prosecute me under the statutes of the Public Bodies Corrupt Practices Act 1889 and / or the Prevention of Corruption Act 1906.”

The unscrupulousPricelist - known to friends and force associates alike as ‘Slimy Sean’ and a class act unscrupulous twat with an absurd sense of entitlement - was appointed to lead the Smegmadale force in 2003 following the Halloween Black Mass promotion raffle at the Scrotes Hill Masonic Lodge, and still remains on bail due the continuing Operation Scumbags investigation – a corruption probe launched in April 2011 relating to career criminal types with past and present connections with the regional police authority – specifically those still holding positions as serving officers.

Chief Constable Pricelist and his Deputy CC Derek Bonehead were primarily arrested then suspended following allegations concerning their role in the unethical recruitment of the daughter of local power-broker and Labour Councillor Pikey Pete Unluckie – the triple-chinned police authority chairman. Apparently the slobbish Unluckie, a fellow Mason, pressured the sycophantic Pricelist into awarding a PFI contract for police buildings maintenance worth £187,000 quid to a dodgy local heating and plumbing firm, Ripoffs UK, which employed him as a consultant.

The dominating Unluckie, who boats he beat bulimia by willpower alone, further coerced Pricelist and Bonehead into hiring his intellectually-challenged 16-year old daughter Sluttsy as a CID detective following her final school-leaving report stated she had the IQ of a small potted plant and would henceforth be limited in her choice of future careers – a shelf-stacker with Pound Stretcher or a Community Enforcement Officer working for Renta-Moron.

The IPCC inquiry into the above litany of allegations of fraud and corruption has cost the taxpayer’s purse £1:6 zillion quid to date – with the Tory’s numb-nuts Plod Squad Minister Dick Sherbert pledging even more public money to cover the future costs of the Operation Scumbags investigation – currently being expedited by Camberwick Green’s PC McGarry (#452) at a cost of around £100,000 a month.

In a flawed attempt to boost public confidence, Minister Sherbert informed media hacks that “Smegmadale Plod Squad is a strong force and has lots and lots of honest officers and staff dedicated to protecting the common herd – and unlike their London Met’ contemporaries they’ve never beaten any passer-by news vendors to death during G20 demonstrations - nor shot a single Brazilian electrician that looked a teeny bit Muslimish – and I’m confident that now we’ve got rid of Pricelist and Bonehead this level of service will continue to improve under the leadership of Temporary Chief Constable Jacqui McSkanger.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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