Mitchell’s Credibility: Mission Impossible

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The UK’s not-fit-for-purpose Conservative Defence Secretary Phillip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond, yesterday informed amused press hacks that in his wholly unqualified opinion the hue and cry brouhaha concerning Andrew ‘Coco Pops’ Mitchell's egocentric diatribe directed at Plod Squad officers belonging to Scotland Yard's SO6 Diplomatic Protection Group, who were on duty in Downing Street on the night of the scandalous ‘Tourette’s coprolalia’ outburst by the Tory Chief Whip, has been hijacked by the media and unions – and every other anarchist radical twat and their dog - in a New Labour-orchestrated shit-stirring attempt to cause as shed-load of trouble for the already-beleaguered ruling Libservative Coalition.

Mitchell, the Tory Party’s erring ‘discipline guru’ - newly-appointed in Austerity Dave Scameron’s recent ‘ethnic cleansing’ cabinet reshuffle of the old guard, who seized that opportunity to rebrand himself as an even nastier, rude twat - met with irate Police Federation representatives on Friday to discuss a claim – which, with typical, practiced political legerdemain and calculated cunning, he attempted to assume the moral high ground and vehemently denied lambasting the officers who refused to kowtow and open Downing Street’s ‘big gates’ for him to ride his Boris Bike through unhindered, with a venomous jeremiad of profanity and insults – specifically labelling them a bunch of Anthony Gormless inert dildos – and moronic plebs who needed to learn what their real position was in society – doormats for politicians.

Hammond, the seborrhoeic dermatitis-ridden Tory MP for Runnynose, opined to Radio 4's ‘Whitewash Hour’ presenter Bev Titwank that the UK’s National Police Federation, which he claims has been at odds with the government over cuts to the force in England and Wales, and changes to PC Plod’s pay and conditions, was using the situation to further their own devious purposes and as an excuse to air other grievances.

"We now have a bunch of other plebs and shit-stirrers who were not involved in the incident of Andrew spitting the dummy and failing to engage brain before opening his gob, and calling the stupid plods a bunch of morons, now trying to hijack this issue for their own Dog and Pony Show purposes.”

"For Christ’s sake, Andrew might be a smug prat and stricken with the social interaction skills of the Gorgon Sisters but at least he’s apologised - and the plod he reportedly insulted has stated he couldn’t care less as he’s grown used to such abuse from obnoxious politicians since being assigned to the Met’s SO6 DP Group – and accepts that the best one can expect from a pig is a grunt. Hence I personally can’t see any necessity to heed these calls for him to do the right thing and fall on his sword – or the sharp end of his whip.”

Mitchell is reported to have sworn at officers three weeks ago after he was asked to get off his bicycle and use a small pedestrian gate rather than the main Downing Street entrance – with the bone of contention being that he denies the accusation and complaint filed by PC Plod – which then manifests in the fact that rather than throw his hands up and admit his ‘bike rage’ faux pas, he’s calling the officer a bare-faced liar – and that's what is pissing off the Police Federation hierarchy, and every other plod in a blue uniform.

The Chairman of the Police Federation, Ron ‘Pitbull’ McGnasher, informed press hacks that “Mitchell’s position is now that of a socio-political pariah and wholly untenable - hence he’s got no option but to resign, fold his proverbial tent and fuck off - and if the arrogant twat refuses, then it’s up to Posh Dave Scameron to fire his arse.”
“I do believe our SO6 DP Group officers are sufficiently trained to put up with and ignore Mitchell’s CRS condition (Chronic Rudeness Syndrome) and his narcissistic personality disorder - and too the deranged sense of self-righteousness – but it’s the contradictions, porky pies and inconsistencies in his narrative concerning the night of the incident, and fingering the duty officer concerned as a lying git that gets right up my nose.”

"We take the view that this is a Cabinet minister challenging the accuracy of police records and that is the type of credibility and truth-impaired attitude that’s going to piss off very officer on our rapidly-diminishing force."
“Here we have again yet another gobshite Tory frog who dreams of becoming a toad, and a perfect display of what this over-privileged elitist Masonic fraternity of arrogant elitist scumbags, possessed with an exaggerated sense of entitlement, think of the entire British electorate demographic – and here I’m referring to the unwashed, telly-addicted common herd and our Plod Squad, who are tasked with protecting the government’s pathetic political arses and property.”

So, who do we believe – a senior politician or a policeman? A quick review of recent history, applying the facility of 20/20 hindsight, leads us to conclude that both parties have irredeemable negative credibility issues where the virtues of truth and trust are concerned.

Conversely, Mitchell - now as popular as a course of chemo’ and as toxic to the Tory credibility scheme of things as tourist excursions to the Fuckupshima nuclear power plant - is an intimidative disciplinarian feared by all unfortunate enough to cross his path and invite his ire. Thus little wonder he bears the disparaging sobriquet of Thrasher, is reputed to have an ego the size of a camel’s hump and known to political associates as a bona-fide ‘dog wanker’ - a mutant sub-human ‘mongrel’ genus in the fuckwit / tosspot classification index of Linnaean taxonomy.

Thought for the day. Within the Oxford English Dictionary’s indexed lexicon of 750,000-plus words there is none that accurately describes Andrew Mitchell or his obnoxious, arrogant condition - however it has been unanimously agreed by a saloon bar gathering of off-duty Met Plod Squad officers that the word CUNT comes pretty close.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.