Tories Field ‘Bash-a-Burglar’ Bill

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Seizing the opportunity to grab the torpid attentions of national media hacks stalking the Tory Party conference in Brummystan this week with a veritable earth-shattering scoop – and hoping to boost his lightweight political image within the party hierarchy - and also the opinions of his Epsom Salts constituents - the newly-appointed Justice Secretary Chris Graything (formerly Shadow Minister for Gay and Darkie Bashing) yesterday stated for the public record that British householders who ‘overreact’ when confronted by burglars – especially so around Greater Manchester’s crime-ridden Moss Side and Stench Hill sink or swim housing estates - will be henceforth blessed with greater protection in the myopic eyes of the law.

The homophobic Graything’s use of the term ‘overreact’ towards break-in and entry scallies has been treated with a series of cavalier interpretations by half-pissed media hacks: specifically is a home owner now licensed to act instinctively and adopt a Straw Dogs type of stance then beat them to death with whatever might be handy – Grandma’s Zimmer frame or a golf iron – or give them both barrels of a 12 gauge shotgun ultimatum with "Make my day, scumbag"?

Precisely how Graything – a former Social Democrat apparatchik and ex-Biased Broadcasting Corporation / Channel 4 employee with zero legal training or background (apart from consulting a solicitor over his dodgy House of Conmans expense claims back in 2009 ) - was deemed qualified for the position of Justice Secretary and to fill the iconic shoes of Ken ‘Three Chins’ Clarke QC (RIP) in Posh Dave Scameron’s recent ‘ethnic cleansing’ cabinet reshuffle, is regarded by Downing Street insiders as something of a mystery, with a bevy of back bench shit-stirrers speculating the actual reassigned posts were drawn from a Tombola raffle drum and not based on past experience or accomplishments - or competence to fulfil the assigned role.

Conversely, Graything’s announcement on householders’ self-defence follows in the wake of a recent statement by the UK’s Lord Chief Justice, Sir Dinsdale Armitage-Shanks - that burglary is a serious criminal offence, and stressed if caught and disembowelled with an electric carving knife by some irate homeowner, upset at being woken in the middle of the night by the dog barking – only to find someone attempting to nick their X-Box games station - was simply an occupational hazard that burglars faced in their line of work.

To clear up the ambiguous ‘overreaction’ / ‘acceptable force’ conundrum, when asked his opinion while speaking from the conference podium, the next Tory Party leader-in-waiting (currently the incumbent Mayor of London) Bonkers Boris Nonsense clarified that while giving scally burglars and generalised yobster muggers a jolly good hiding was now sanctioned by the government as a kosher practice, ‘have-a-go’ members of the public should be aware that ‘grossly disproportionate force’ would still be an offence, but the tolerance bar be henceforth set higher than the current ‘proportionate force’ test – which came down to locking yourself in the crapper, shouting “Help!” and hoping for the fucking best.

Asked to clarify his remarks in plain English, Boris reiterated “Okay, I’ve got to admit that Chris Graything’s a bit like me – a political buffoon and more full of shit than a Christmas goose - but his ideas on this one do hold a modicum of sense, as if some nasty oick’s trying to break into your back yard shed or nick the conservatory telly, then give them a good old bitch slapping with one of those garden gnomes and PC Plod will shake your hand.”

“However, for the Dexter Morgan elements of our vigilante-orientated sick society, if you start purposely leaving the hall light on at night and the front door ajar, and are waiting inside with a baseball bat, then that’s classed as enticement – especially if you do beat a couple of scrotes to death, chop them into bits with your B & Q chainsaw and start dumping parcels of assorted body bits in the local canal.”

“Okay, I can most definitely see the economic savings attraction in modifying legislation on this issue to a par with Texas in the good ole US of A, where a home owner’s entitled to shoot anyone who comes a-knocking at their door after sundown – or before.”
“It’s a tempting proposition to simply put a bounty on all burglarising scally heads – then we won’t have to foot the expense and time-consuming effort of arrest, court appearances, legal aid and subsequent imprisonment – and a whole gamut of appeals – and thus lose the entire flawed concept of trying to rehabilitate career criminals.”
“Plus if we did adopt this ‘Texas Protocol’ we can slash the Plod Squad ranks by a further 30% - and get shut of these PFI prison deals with Serco and those useless dog wankers from G4S. Now that should give a boost to Georgie Osborne’s budget deposit.”

Do you agree with Minister Graything’s “let the bastards have it!” proposal? Have you been burgled recently? How many house breakers are there buried under your compost heap getting recycled into something useful by the worms? Last but by no means least, would you vote for Bonkers Boris Nonsense if he fielded his own Raving Looney Party?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you could win a year’s free membership to the Tory Party.
A selection of your comments may be published, displaying your name and address so the local Plod Squad knows where to find you if any bits of burglar turn up in a ‘roadkill’ wheelie bin in your neighbourhood.

Thought for the day: Hmmm, so much for the 2010 culture of Tory ‘turn the other cheek’ tolerance and Posh Dave’s sermonising waffle of ‘Hug a Hoodie’ – now it’s all down to ‘Bash a Burglar’.

Regardless of political conference blather, this Libservative Coalition clusterfuck crew, alike the New Labour gang before them, are delinquent in their duty of care and trust to the British voting (and tax-paying) public.

Austerity Dave Scameron yesterday announced that Broken Britain’s economy is going through a slow and difficult healing process – called ‘bankruptcy’ – and none of them seem to have a clue how to resolve the fact (apart from slashing welfare benefits) that our ‘Debtocracy’ economy is shrinking at a geometric rate and forecast to disappear up its own arsehole sometime before the end of the current financial year in March 2013.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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