Saturday, 20 October 2012

MPs up for 40% Pay Raise

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A major review of Parliamentary MPs’ perks and pensions by Whitehall’s Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next has raised the prospect of automatically linking their salaries to earnings, rather than have them continue whingeing over the current ‘pay freeze’ restrictions placed on the rest of depression-hit Broken Britain’s public sector by PM Austerity Dave Scameron and waste time fielding a vote on the issue in the House of Conmans every year only to see it generate a bad press and public ire, and get knocked back.

Without bothering to explain the Alice in Wonderland fantasy mathematics that Whitehall’s bean counters have applied to calculate their equations, one rough and ready rip-off scam being tabled is for MPs to be paid the equivalent of a multiple of average earnings ranging to four times national average – which actually makes no sense to any fucker or their dog.

Given that the more fortunate members of the common herd, still lucky enough to be employed in a decent job, earn around £23,000 a year before HMRC taxes and National Insurance deductions reduce the amount to a pittance – an MPs’ salary of £65,738 is almost three times the national average and if the gilt-edged proposal is adopted then such will see their pay packets skyrocket by 40-odd percent to a ridiculous sum of £92,000 quid.

Chief spokeswoman at the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next, Fellattia Titwank, (formerly shadow Junior Assistant to the Deputy Permanent-Undersecretary for Firewood Affairs – Sir Jarvis Spatchcock), informed one press hack from Crock of Shit magazine that “Linking MPs salary to an index such as average earnings could be an efficient mechanism for keeping their remuneration packages one step above the inflation rate.”

“Hence it is our proposal to have split salary levels - one for the hundreds of MPs who hold part-time jobs as Russian spies and corporate lobbyists, and another for those who don’t really give a flying fuck about their constituencies and are only here to network - feather their nests, peddle influence, and secure a few juicy directorships, just in case they get booted out at the next election.”.

Coming on the heels of the Westminster expenses scandal (duck islands, moat dredging etcetera, et al) and Broken Britain being smitten with a mandate of draconian pay freezes, the proposed shake-up of pay and pensions for 649 MPs has immediately run into a hail of criticism.

Although the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority watchdog originally floated the idea of salaries at four times the average wage, a multiple of three is more likely to be adopted by sensible shoes civil servants so as not to conspicuously rub the common herd electorate’s noses in a pile of shite.

Regardless this would still see their already-bloated salaries jump by 5% to £68,952 – a undeserved rise of £5,214 quid - while the marginalised unemployed sectors of our sick society scrape by on a mere £3,484 per annum in their pittance of a jobseekers allowance – and the welfare-dependent disabled told by the PFI ‘work-shy assessment’ contractors, Atosspots Wealthcare, to throw down their crutches and walk – preferably to the nearest Jobcentre, fight off a horde of scrounging East European economic migrant pikeys and grab themselves a piece of gainful employment.

But hey, what na├»ve twat ever believed in fair play or the fact there should be justice in this world – or the next.

Thought for the day: Hmmm okay, four times the national average wage. So we take it that MPs work four times as hard? What utter bollocks, the only bloke ever to come up with a spiffing idea for Parliament was Guy Fawkes.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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