Monday, 15 October 2012

Tories Deny MoD Cash-4-Access Scam

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Following yet another excrement-flinging scandal broadcast for public consumption across the banner headline of this week’s Sunday Shitraker, the Tory Minister of Defence, Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond, has announced an investigation will be launched (under the aegis of the Hutton / Chilcot / Hallett whitewash and cover-ups team) into allegations that retired military officials have been soliciting defence companies with claims they can influence lucrative arms deals worth zillions of pounds and soliciting their services to lobby Westminster MPs and Whitehall civil servants on their behalf.

Acting on the criminal content of a series of hacked e-mails and text messages exchanged between the top ranking military personnel and international weapons manufacturers, a team of low life gutter press hacks working for Raving Rupert Mudrock’s red top Shitraker news group posed as sales executives with Israel’s Four Horsemen SA defence industries corporation and contacted senior retired British officers to accept their offer of lobbyist services to secure lucrative, mega-bucks supply contracts with the MoD.

The hapless Hammond – (formerly Shadow Minister for Extra-Terrestrial Affairs) - responding to the claims, informed the media that to his limited knowledge of defence procurement procedures picked up since his predecessor Dr Liam Pox was fired under a cloud of scandalous corrupt Mr Fix-It practices involving his gay lover Adam Qwerty, former military officers wielded no influence on how the MoD spent its money or to whom such contracts were awarded – especially so when the Rothshite crime syndicate’s BAE Systems already own the government, lock, stock and barrel.

Hammond clarified “This is probably some Old Boy armed forces network comprised of fudging Freemasons just out to supplement their pensions with a spot of money-grubbing influence peddling – and who have no concept of the technological implications of equipment now required by the MoD to protect our troops from ‘green-on-blue’ attacks. Really, we’ve come a long way since the bows and arrows of Agincourt and muzzle loading guns and the up close and personal concept of ‘Et tu Brute?’ back-stabbing assassinations. Now it’s all about kitting our troops out with Nitrex Forcefield body armour to protect against Semtex suicide vests bomb attacks and friendly fire from the stupid Yanks UAV Reaper drones.”

The Sunday Shitraker expose alleges that a group of batshit bonkers retired officers including former 21st Cannon Fodder Regiment commander Lt Gen Sir Jarvis Scumbagsky and ex-14th Body Bag Brigade procurement chief Lt Gen Rupert Ffinch-Twatt – conspired to act as lobbyists on multi-million pound deals while they were still under the two year restriction state of purdah which bars them from taking up conflict of interest employment in the private sector.

In a covert video of the meeting with the press hacks posing as Four Horsemen SA arms company rep’s, Scumbagsky is seen and heard stating he would ignore the ‘privileged access’ rules and make a point of speaking to PM Posh Dave Scameron, Defence Secretary Hammond and the Chief of Defence Materiel, Rear Admiral Sir Bernard ‘Fifty Shades’ Gray at the MoD’s ‘Pop-a-Poppy’ Afghan opium auction in the underground car park of the City’s Rothshite Bankster Towers following the 2012 Remembrance Day event.

In the video, former naval fleet commander Admiral Sir Dinsdale ‘Felcher’ Spatchcock is shown saying: "While we have to be careful of getting caught lobbying ministers who are members of our Masonic Lodge there is a necessity to get the procurement side of things at the MoD moving along from snail fashion as it currently takes twenty years to buy a ship, aircraft or tank – then they come in with alpinesque costs of twice as much as originally quoted and never seem up to the task they were bought for.”

“Really, even Broken Britain’s not-fit-for-purpose train services, Rattle-Track, Snail-Trains, Sardine Mainline, First Crapita Connect, Inter-Shitty, Ripoff Rail and Caledonian Creeper can’t collectively compete with the MoD’s culture of delays and stalled services.”

Thought for the day: Here’s a piece of sagacious common sense for Dandruff Hammond et al to reflect on: “Agile enemies such as the Taliban are unlikely to wait for the Ministry of Defence’s sclerotic acquisition systems to catch up.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Gilly said...

Rusty should be working as a spin (or anti-spin) doctor for one of these political parties and do a Malcolm Tucker on the opposition and the 'Nutters' in his own crowd.

Anonymous said...

Four Horsemen SA - an Israeli arms contractor. Very neat, very astute.

wiggins said...

ICTS-Security firm (Israhell)were responsible for the airport security at the 9/11 airports, also the underground stations - and no doubt the overground stations - on 7/7. Haven't we got our own security people, or are we completely taken over by the 'Tribe'? Don't answer.....