Osborne Shits on Workers’ Rights

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

In a pathetic attempt to get people to take notice of his diminutive, moronic presence at the Tory Party conference in Brummystan this week, Chancellor George Osborne, sporting his customary shit-eating grin, has revived controversial plans to overthrow the historical good works of William Wilberforce, Robert Owen and the Tolpuddle Martyrs with a flawed scheme to scrap employees' established and lawful prerogatives by announcing that the common herd fortunate enough to still be in gainful employment will be offered shares in their debt-ridden companies in return for giving up their legal rights in the workplace.

From April next year, companies that survive the winter and remain in business, albeit just managing to turn a profit, will be sanctioned to pressure cash-strapped staff to accept anywhere between the ridiculously disproportionate amounts of £2,000 and £50,000 quid in worthless tax-free shares if they surrender their rights to claim unfair dismissal, to redundancy pay, to sick leave pay, to request flexible working - and time off for training.

Female employees on maternity leave will be forced to give 16 weeks notice of being ready and able to recommence their working duties, as opposed to the current eight weeks – but in return all workers who sign away their soul in blood to this satanic pact will be able to avoid capital gains tax on any rise in the value of the shares when they eventually sell them – if, of course, they’re worth sod all by that time.

Suffering from the deluded belief that everyone was born with a silver spoon in their gobs and has a zillionaire Daddy, the smarmy Osborne is under the asinine impression that hundreds of thousands of workers will become employee-owners in small and medium-sized businesses which are set to hire a more flexible (bend over and get screwed yet again) workforce.

Peasants employed by existing firms cannot be compelled to sign up for this insane agreement, however new recruits will be forced to under the proposed ‘Let’s Shaft the Workers Bill’ - (a variation of a proposal recommended to Downing Street by Adrian Shitcroft, a notorious labour fascist and Tory Party donor) - currently before the House of Conmans for debate.

Significantly, Shitcroft welcomed Osborne's announcement, stating for the public record "This is a creative and exciting version of proposals I made and a step in the right direction to achieving the sort of worker attitude that Hitler did with the Nazi forced labour camps – and Stalin with his Five Year Plans in sunny Siberia. The new ‘Comply or Else’ law will see Britain's enterprise culture definitely take off in April next year - and also provide a well deserved shot in the head for the UK's fucked up unions."

Osborne's draconian anti-workers’ rights scheme of allowing firms to "fire at will" without fear of unfair dismissal claims being filed against them was originally only too rightly blocked by the Coalition partner Lib-Dum’s. However Nick ‘Flipper’ Clegg, since his apostatic conversion to the Tory blue, now supports the move, regardless of it stinking of CIC: Coercion, Intimidation and Compliance.

Ron McScrote, leader of the GMB union, informed one press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette "Georgie effin’ Osborne is the bloke wot’s givin’ away a £40,000 nicker windfall ter each of his millionaire Tory elitist mates – this 1% fraternity of the world wot uses far more than it needs ter live at a higher standard than them wot they’re stealing off – specifically us - an’ now has the effin’ gall ter open his gob an’ announce more attacks on workers' rights an’ them wot’s the least well off in our fucked up society.”

“These upper class twats seem ter miss the core principle point that in the reality world where we have ter live, slashin’ worker’s employment rights under the guise of ownership schemes isn’t gonna create jobs or stimulate effin’ growth.”
“Wot’s more, this reintroduction of feudal law by the Tories an’ their pet coalition partner Clegg is fraught wiv the spectre of unintended consequences an’ gonna be fucked from day one cos no British worker can agree ter forgo their discrimination rights even if they are forced inter signin’ up fer this scheme, as human rights law an’ EUSSR statutes cover cases fer race, age an’ sex discrimination.”
“I ain’t shittin’ yer, while there is not such thing as ‘conventional political wisdom’ there does exist ‘conventional political stupidity' wiv this gang of tossers.”

Thought for the day. George Osborne, a frog who dreams of becoming a toad, and possessed by ambitions far beyond the scope of his abilities, suffers from a narcissistic personality disorder and deranged self-righteousness condition - and is a bona-fide dog wanker - a mutant sub-set genus in the fuckwit / tosspot classification index of Linnaean taxonomy.

So, fuck the Tories and their Pythonesque upper class twit scheme to rob British workers of their hard-fought employment rights - in a desperate bid to solve the country’s state of Debtocracy - compelling by force of law what they cannot ask in the name of patriotism.

To wit, given the facilities of 20/20 hindsight and retrospective observational analysis, we simply wait until 2015 as there’s nothing like ballot box time to get politicians to listen and grab their undivided attention - and give the Tories and their complicit Lib-Dum cohorts in this fractious clusterfuck of a Coalition – and all others who would gain election to public office via manipulating the illusion of credibility and competence - the big Digitus Impudicus.
Next time around the voting public should write out their own election ‘wish list’ manifesto and see which of these political parties will follow it to the letter.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.