Saturday, 29 September 2012

HK Triad Boss Flogs Off Dyke Daughter

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A notorious Hong Kong multi-zillionaire crime boss with more money than sense has offered £40 million quid to any man able to woo and marry Mingeeter, his raving dyke of daughter.

Leader of the feared Spitting Mongoose Triad, ‘Wu Tang Willy’ Chao, who rose through the secret society ranks from a 49’er to Red Pole to become Dragon Head, publicly promised the marriage bounty following gossip column reports in the semi-autonomous island’s South China Shitraker gutter press tabloid that his daughter had wed her long-term girlfriend, Ms Eat Mi Out – the lead singer with the outlawed mainland Beijing-based all-girl rock band - Gladys Gorgon & the Grottmeisters (formerly the banned Falun & the Gongs hip-hop / flip-flop group).

Diagnosed by top notch clinical psychologists with a chronic case of SFS (Strapadicktome Fetish Syndrome), the spank-eyed Mingeeter first became aware of her taste for pussy licking and ice pop dildos while playing the part of Little Miss Muffit in a high school play – and evolved a tomboy reputation due her acquisition of a collection of Jimmy Choo-Choo designer train set ‘real steam’ locos while eschewing dolls and the like accoutrements of girlie-hood.

Mingeeter Chao, a self-styled businesswoman and graduate of France’s prestigious St Sappho of the Sacred Godermiche College, who runs Kowloon’s ‘Gigi’s Secret’ adult sex toy emporium, is rumoured to have married her female partner of seven years, Eat Mi Out, in a ceremony in Paris earlier this year.

While same-sex unions are not recognised in Hong Kong, sodomite fudging and bitch-on-bitch rug-munching was decriminalised in 1991 by the self-serving poofter-infested governing ‘Special Administrative Region of the People's Marxist Utopia of China’.

Conversely, father Wu Tang informed media hacks that in his eyes Mingeeter was still single, and as an intelligent and beautiful girl could pretty well do whatever she wants to abuse her genitalia with cucumbers, vibrators and like phallic objects - but at the end of the day needed a strong husband to give her a ‘good three-hole rogering’ several times a week and produce him a brood of doting grand-children.

The ‘marriage bounty’ offer has, in the short space of a single week, generated a legion of replies from potential suitors not only in the HK island microcosm Sino enclave and in mainland China – from Beijing to Wanking to Bonking - but around the globe.

Applications and petitions are rolling in by the barrow-load to Wu Tang’s ‘Wed-A-Dyke’ website - from the likes of radical activist Chinese whistleblower Qui Tam - to Beryl and Betty, the celebrity pre-op’ trans-sexual Rigour Mortis ‘sisters’ out to try their luck - with an offer from convicted Siamese twin paedophile rapists, the Tu Yung brothers – to one hapless soul named Sum Dum Fuk who doused himself with gasoline outside Mingeeter’s Victoria Heights apartment then self-immolated in a display of barbeque-frenzied devotion.

Topping the NFC list (No Fucking Chance) of no-hoper applicants is a bloke that won a consolation prize on the X-Factor, boasts a twelve inch cock, and due Viagra abuse suffers from 24/7 priapism - who signed his introductory nude photograph as Tom – an object of mirthful derision now posted alongside Mingeeter’s collection of the same from every other ‘Dick and Harry’.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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