Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Cameron Reshuffles Titanic Deckchairs

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to whistle-blowing moles manning the Westminster / Whitehall rumour mill, Libservative Coalition Prime Minister ‘Austerity Dave’ Scameron is expected to reassert his questionable authority and field a political eugenics ‘hack and burn’ cabinet reshuffle this week, with a bevy of innuendo concerning the future of a bunch of ministerial dog-wankers (a mutant sub-set genus in the fuckwit / tosspot classification index of Linnaean taxonomy) due their ridiculous one-size-fits-all approach to every sodding thing - and specifically which direction – up or down – the party hierarchy ladder the scandal-ridden Baroness Seedy Warthog will be headed.

Warthog, the intellectually-challenged Tory Party chairwoman, ignoring the fact she got off with a slap on the wrist for breaches of the ministerial code over an official trip to Pakiland – and further swindling overnight accommodation expenses from the taxpayers’ purse for staying in London while living rent-free at some grungy relative’s house - was stricken with an attack of galloping paranoid hysteria and personally went down on bended knees in an act of total supplication, to kiss Scameron’s spotty public school arse in a bid to have him overlook the fact she’s a habitual money-grubbing kleptomaniac and a serial rent fiddling bitch – and allow her to keep her party chairwomanship post in the cabinet reshuffle.

Speaking to one gutter press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette outside her Cesspit Mansions des’ res’ in London’s East End, the neurotic Warthog related "Hopefully the rimming and suck and swallow blow job I gave Posh Dave will persuade him to let me stay on, doing what I do best – wheeler-dealing in the House of Lords and the Millbank party HQ for him – that’s where the money’s to be made."
“You know, I am the first female Muslim cabinet minister and could help attract a new generation of voters if they overlook my past discretions and keep me on as Chairwoman – but not if I’m shunted off to the position of Assistant Deputy Under-Secretary for Portaloo Affairs at the Ministry for Drains & Sewerage.”

"If you look at the demographics that will rule the next election, the Tory Party needs more people in the North voting for us – in the Lake District and the Geordies – and Scotland too - more of what the common herd call blue collar workers - and I personally refer to as the honky working class.”

Then suffering a most conspicuous, albeit typical Yorkshire ‘brunette moment’ lapse, Warthog went off on a tangent of Humpty Dumpty gobbledegook spoonerisms and generalised gibberish rant to justify her current political ‘deadwood’ existence, commencing with the malapropistic remark that: quote “Posh Dave Scameron needs more people from urban areas voting Tory, more Asian people and pikeys - who are not white - and more women – brown or white – the ‘blue-collar burka’ vote.”

"I play that back and think, I'm a woman, I'm not white, I'm from an urban area, I'm from the North, I'm working class – even if my Dad is a zillionaire and I get a six-figure salary and a mega-bucks expense account – and have a golden goose pension pot waiting for me.”

Baroness Seedy Warthog claims to be working class – my ass. Daughter of a multi-million pound business owner - of which she is a shareholder; university educated – and no student loans outstanding; professionally qualified as a lawyer; a career politician with a peerage; owner of her own consultancy business; owner and landlady of multiple properties in Wakefield and London - and sends her own brood of sprogs to private schools.

Hence donning this working class mantle and referring to herself as a Northern working-class Mum is a heap of paradoxical political posturing bullshit. The Warthog is a menopausal master of self-delusion who fools no-one but herself. She’s just another over-privileged member of the elitist fraternity with an absurd sense of entitlement – and a haughty bitch whose most salient trait is her capacity for treachery and ruthless cunning to get her own way.

One controversial point, perhaps on an equal par with Seedy Warthog as they’re both guilty of fiddling their rent expenses claims - what the Met’s Plod Squad refer to as ‘embezzlement’ - the Deputy PM / Lib-Dum leader Mick Clogg (now an NLP-conditioned closet case Tory blue) is pushing Scameron to have the former expense cheat Chief Scumbag to the Treasury David Laws ‘Mandlesonised’ (or ‘Blunkettised’) and allowed to slither back into a nice juicy cabinet slot – bumping up his current MP pittance of a salary from £65,738 to a more substantial £134,565 quid per annum.

Laws, the Lib-Dum MP for Yeoville in Scumerset, resigned from his Treasury post two years ago after admitting under torture (water-boarding, Chinese burns and several deadlegs) in the House of Conmans dungeons that he had falsely claimed expenses to pay his gay live-in partner's rent.

Now Deputy PM Clogg is putting the hard word on Scameron for his ‘Orange Book’ buddy Laws reinstatement on the moronic political incorrectness grounds that to exclude him from the cabinet permanently and not give him Vince Cable’s job as Business Secretary might be construed as an act of Tory gay-bashing – or even discrimination against sticky fingered felons being permitted a second chance – even if he did embezzle £40,000 nicker via dodgy expense claims for rent he paid to his live-in sodomite lover – but was never prosecuted nor went to prison for his crime breach of official trust, abuse of official position and robbing the taxpayers.

Hmmm, must be nice for the Yeoville Tory voters to know their MP is a lying, thieving git. However, justice denied to punish the crimes of the self-outed closet case Laws, and homophobic innuendo besides, aren’t the majority of men posing as heterosexuals really lesbians born into the wrong body?

Thought for the day: As to the forthcoming cabinet reshuffle, Foreign Secretary Willy Vague is rumoured to be assuming the top dog post at the newly-formed Department for Israeli Zionist Affairs; with Communities Secretary Eric ‘I Beat Bulimia’ Pickles being laterally-promoted to the Ministry for Cellulite; and Vince Cable moved over to run the House of Conmans Parliamentary Committee on Alzheimer’s – along with Sir Mingin Campbell.

Andrew Mitchell is to get a leg up to take charge of the thumbscrews and crack the whip on dissenting Tory MPs who have the audacity to try and think for themselves and look after their constituents best interests – and a lateral promotion for the smarmy Culture Secretary Jeremy ‘BSkyB’ Kunt as he takes over as head honcho at the Ministry for Graft & Corruption.

Posh Dave’s old Bullingdon Club pal George Osborne is apparently to remain as the not-fit-for-purpose Chancellor, with the proviso he takes a night school NVQ course in Arithmetic, reads up on the core principles of Keynesian Economics and puts a stop to this insane quantitative easing fiasco to tide things over when the priority should be to focus on creating an upward spiral of growth by getting people back into work so that they’ll spend their ackers buying goods produced by other British workers.

Transport Sec’ Justine ‘Piranha Jaws’ Greenthing gets the boot for opposing Thiefrow’s third runway and making a fuck of the West Coast Mainline bid by awarding the franchise tender to WorstGroup - and turfed out to the back benches along and Anne ‘Catweazle’ Milton – the Minister for Fraggle Rock Affairs – and too the ginger mingin Caroline Spelman – she of the Desperate Dan chin who as Environment and Rural Affairs Sec’ tried to sell off our publicly-owned forests for firewood – and made a total bollocks of everything else she touched – including the badger cull.

The slack-jawed Michael Gove will be surrendering the Education portfolio and rejoining Channel 4 to launch a ‘Return of Pob’ series; while Andrew Lansley’s stellar success in making a bollocks of the National Ill-Health Service sees him shunted to the position of Minister Without a Job whereas the geriatric Justice Secretary Ken ‘Vindaloo’ Clarke is tipped for demotion to become Minister with Nothing To Do – as Chris Grayarea takes over his desk - while fellow justice department dogsbody Jonathan Bojangles – along with Crispy Blunt-Instrument, the Minister for Keeping People Locked Up in Cages, both get the hoof and exiled to the Tory back benches.

A still-to-be confirmed move is that of Defence Secretary Philip ‘Dandruff’ Hammond, apparently being ditched for causing a cabinet office snowstorm every time he scratches his empty bonce. Oh well, some fucker’s got to make the tea and help Sec’ of State Oliver Nitwit bin the daily pile of top-secret documents in the trash cans around London’s parks – plus keep an eye on any leaky water pipes under the tennis courts.

Contrary to popular scuttlebutt and loose gossip, as a result of any re-shuffle, regardless of how many jokers are left in the deck, being a ‘millionaire’ or ex-Bullingdon Club member (like Posh Dave, Osborne - and Mayor Bonkers Boris) apparently isn’t’ a prerequisite for copping a cabinet post – and no-one will be going to the Tower - nor are HRH QE2 Brenda, Prince Stavros of Edinburgh or the Royal Plant Whisperer, Prince Chazzer to be replaced – albeit it is consensually agreed that all are long past their respective shelf lives.

One point to ponder, when the cabinet pack gets reshuffled who’s going to take over from Posh Dave Scameron and be the new Prime Minister? While critics are invoking a threadbare cliché to describe the charade as the equivalent of rearranging the Titanic’s deckchairs, Flatbrokes, Broken Britain’s ubiquitous High Street bookies, are giving 7 to 1 odds on the possibility it might just be ex-New Labour war criminal, international pariah and all-round scumbag Anthony Charles Lynton Bliar.

Whatever, but as Confucius say “You cannot polish a turd” – yet the Tories do believe a lump of shite can be picked up by the clean end. To wit, if Scameron does sort the wheat from the chaff the Tory Party benches will be empty.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


Fletch said...

Like it - lol's

Anonymous said...

Okay, I know this is satire and Rusty simply fabricates political offices for humour effect but how the hell can he be so accurate and post this 'reshuffle' skit this morning even before Cameron has made the announcements?

Anonymous said...

Ha - maybe Cameron's alter-ego is Rusty the Blogger - or Rusty's got a crystal ball.