Friday, 28 September 2012

Krauts Tax Catholics into Atheism

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Germany's Roman Catholic faithful are to be denied the right to Holy Communion and burial in consecrated ground – refused all religious services in fact - if they stop coughing up an extortive Vatican tax.
A very dodgy Bishops' decree which has just come into force states that anyone failing to pay the levy - an extra 8% of their annual income tax bill – is to be summarily excommunicated and no longer afforded the questionable benefits of being a Catholic.

The German branch of the Church of Rome has become paranoid and neurotically alarmed by the number of Catholics finally getting wise to their 2,000 year old confidence trick scam and leaving the church in disgust after learning on the one hand that Jesus started life as a Jew and was a practicing Rabbi, married with a brood of sprogs – then being further faced with the paradoxical controversy that the actual New Testament Gospels constitute a gross forgery committed by the Pio / Flavian ruling dynasty of 1st Century Rome to brainwash the masses and keep the common herd mesmerised and compliant – until the time something like television was invented – hence the entire Jesus, immaculate conception / virgin birth and Resurrection chronicles being more at scent than substance.

All Germans who are officially registered as being ‘religiously inclined’ - Catholics, Protestants, Jews, Pancake Tuesday Adventists and followers of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster - pay a religious tax of 8% on their annual income tax bill. The levy was introduced in the 19th Century to compensate religious institutions for the land grab nationalisation of their extensive property holdings by Chancellor Bismarck.

Munich tax accountant Shylock Scattstein explained to a press hack from the Ripoffs Gazette that "If your tax bill is for 10,000 euros, then 800 euros will go on top of that for the money-grubbing Vatican gang – hence your total tax combined will be hiked up to 10,800 euros."

The German population consists of 30% Catholics, but the number of ‘wake-up call’ congregants leaving the church swelled into the millions in 2010 due the scandalous revelations of kiddie fiddling sexual abuse by a cabal of perverted priests at the St Sodom’s Church for Latter Day Paedophiles.

To enforce this ‘tithing’ the German Bishops Conference last week issued a decree stating that unless they continue to fork out the religious tax, Catholics will no longer be allowed receive their weekly ‘indulgence session’ – the ‘sin-absolving’ rite of confession - following a dirty weekend screwing someone else’s missus – or sneaking around the Bavarian Tyrol in Alpenjager lederhosen and shagging sheep.

Fellattia Titwank from the Munich-based grassroots Catholic campaign group ‘Penitents Now’ opined to the Ripoffs Gazette "The Bishops issuing such a decree to enforce the payment of the tax at this moment of time is really the wrong signal as the Catholic church is in a deep crisis due the economic recession that has the whole of Europe by the balls – plus the priests being exposed as bigger sinners than any of their congregation.”

Conversely Father Lukas Buttfokker, spokesman for the Bishops Conference, maintains the tax is used to do essential good works – such as providing hush money and compensation payments for the choir and altar boy catamite victims of child molesting priests who lack the intellectual nuance to differentiate between celibacy and pederasty – and end up as an embarrassment with their names on the Sex Offender’s Register.

Do you pay 8% of your gross income for the dubious privilege of being granted Salvation, along with ‘Everlasting Life’ and a ‘fast lane’ visa into Heaven without being issued a signed legal contractual agreement signed by a divine-authorised Archangel – or even a Vatican Cardinal?

Send your comments using the online reply form below and you too could sit at the right hand of God every night to watch cloud storage replays of all your favourite mind-numbing Premier League soccer matches, X-Factor, Big Brother and Strictly Come Wanking episodes.

A selection of your comments may be published, displaying your name and location so the Office of the Inquisition has a record of where dissenting heretics and apostates live.

Thought for the day. So ,WTF next, we might ask – a return to benefices and wholesale simony? Regardless, fuck the Roman Catholic Church’s fairy tale scam and the venal Vatican.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.


wiggins said...

Blimey! The Katlic Church......The New Scientologists....

wiggins said...

Check out on Youtube Flip Wison..."The Church Of What's Happening Now."