Thursday, 20 September 2012

Rats, Cats n Batty Bats on de Menu

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Rats, cats and batty bats – classified by broken Britain’s killjoy Environmental Health Agency and Brussels EUSSR finicky food safety regulations as non-kosher menu items – are freely displayed for sale – freshly butchered and ready for the oven – on a legion of stalls at the Pikey’s Parade street market in London’s Slumborough Hamlets – a notorious hotbed of illicit meat activity.

Under-the-counter butchers at the Pikey’s Parade market are prepared to sell banned "woofies", a delicacy from Indo-China, prepared by hanging a dog up by its feet over the red-hot embers of a barbeque pit then ‘tenderising’ the meat by beating the hapless canine to death – from tail to head – with a length of rebar – until the intestines are dripping out of its nostrils - and to add insult to injury (sic) – finally using a blow torch on the skin to give it that succulent ‘charred flavour’.

One Thai delicacy served at the eat-in cafĂ© section of the market is the kiddie’s birthday party special of ‘monkey brain surprise’ – where a live primate (gibbon / macaque / langur) has its neck compressed between two lengths of bamboo and suspended with feet off the floor, then the top carefully sliced off the skull with a modified can opener and the toddler diners, each armed with a teaspoon, tuck into an appetising warm brains delight as ‘Curious George’ kicks up a storm – to no avail – as his limited IQ slides down to zero with every spoonful dug out.
For those readers already licking their lips – or reaching for the barf bags – this particular practice is actually outlawed in the UK under RSPCA regulations.

While under-the-counter butchers at Pikey’s Parade are prepared to sell banned meats – including smuggled joints of Philippine fruit bat, Ethiopian flamingo, Jamaican giant cane rats, Ugandan donkey’s dongers, Watusi wild hog jowls – and too poached portions of Hyde Park Royal swan – the Slumborough Hamlets Council's Food Safety & Environmental Health Office has never received a single complaint since the market opened for business following the dissolution of the British Empire and colonies at the end of WW2 and the steady influx of Brit’ passport-holding immigrants.

A Freedom of Information request to Slumborough Hamlets Council reveals the last health inspection visit to the Pikey’s Parade market premises took place in 1951 under the aegis of Alderman Mohammed Wormhole Chuckabutty – and all passing muster with flying colours.

Slumborough-born Achmed Jaffacake, himself an ‘exotic meats’ trader, was persuaded to talk with the media for a consideration of thirty pieces of silver, revealing the dirty secrets of the market.
“Yeah right, but that’s one of the effin’ problems wot yer gonna encounter wiv this multi-cultural Big Society crap of Posh Dave Scameron’s cos not every fucker an’ their dog wants ter be eatin’ the traditional British five-a-day crap of meat pie, chips an’ mushy peas wiv bread an’ butter, washed down wiv a bottle of Vimto fer their dinner every effin' night.”

“These jobsworth twats at the Environmental Health Agency know sweet fuck all about the culinary palates an’ tastes of us ethnic darkie immigrant types - a lot of who come from a cannibal background an’ grew up shrinkin’ their neighbour’s heads fer a hobby. These blokes want summat piquant – hot an’ spicy – like curried crocodile on a banana leaf - or a plate full of pit-roasted camel’s bollocks – or fresh-baked samozas stuffed wiv pan-fried gerbils.”

“Obviously some of these treats are an acquired taste an’ might be a bit bizarre ter yer Anglo-Saxon stick-in-the-mud types, but these exotic delicacies are totally unavailable at the Greedy Grocer outlet chains. I mean ter say, have yer tried goin' inter yer local Pestco or Pukesburys – or even Mammon & Snobfords supermarket – an’ askin’ fer a kilo of lean cat mince, or a leg of yak, or an oven-ready cormorant, or a fillet of baby grey whale - or even a sizzlin’ squirrel on a stick?”

*Carbon Credit Offset / Cap & Trade Exchange (aka Global Warming / Pollution Reduction Scam) declaration: No trees, fish, cormorants, bumble bees or small furry mammals - otters or voles - were harmed in posting this message. However, a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

No comments: