NHS to Form Euthanasia Trust

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to a newly-promoted health minister, people seeking help to die should be allowed to obtain assistance here in the UK – either from their local family GP’s surgery or an innovative branch of the National Ill-Health Service that needs to be established sooner than later.

Anna Soubry, the ginger-mingin Tory MP for Botox, who took over as Public Health Secretary from serial fuck-up scarecrow Ann ‘Catweazle’ Milton in last week’s re-arranging of the Cabinet’s dead wood collection, informed one press hack from the Self-Harmers Gazette that in her personal unqualified opinion it presented a ridiculous and appalling state of affairs that Britons had to go abroad to some expensive non-EUSSR member cuckoo clock state like Switzerland to end their life legally when it was so much more cost effective to do so in the comfort of their own homes.

“Really, while I reject the term euthanasia for such a practice, and prefer ‘suicide’ - to my mind, twisted and eccentric as it sometimes is, everyone has the God-given right to kill themselves – that’s what self-determination is all about.”

“And this isn’t just for people suffering bouts of double-depression due the fact they’re wheelchair bound and have to be spoon fed and wear a diaper – or those hosting tumours the size of rugby balls – but the multitudes who’ve been made redundant and had their mortgages foreclosed and now find themselves homeless – with the missus nagging them 24/7 over credit card bills and what-have-you. Now what could be better than ending it all with a couple of happy pills and no longer being a burden on Posh Dave Scameron’s Big Society?”

“One perfect example case that comes to mind is poor Dr David Kelly, who was overcome with a fatal attack of conscience for telling nasty stories to the BBC and gutter press tabloids about Tony Bliar and Alastair Campbell spicing up weapons of mass destruction dossiers to get Saddam Hussein in the shit with the UN Security Council. He became so depressed he had to get a couple of thugs from MI5 to ‘assist’ with his suicide and then conceal the fact otherwise they’d have got in trouble for doing the right thing and helping him out.”

“This could be a spiffing and original idea how to cut National Ill-Health Service costs – by starting up a Euthanasia Trust division and set up our very own Dignitas style clinic here in the UK to pull us out of this horrid recession thing that everyone without a job is forever moaning about. In fact we could perhaps call it the Harold Shipman End of Life Memorial Centre.”

The laws of Broken Britain currently draw a crucial distinction between doctors deciding not to provide or continue treatment, which might prolong life, and acting to terminate patient’s lives by, for example, administering lethal drugs or exposing hospital patients to their own in-house variants of Galloping MRSA – or the tender mercies of half-trained pikey nurses equipped with a semi-literate grasp of the English language.

Following a ballot at its conference in June which opposed assisted dying, the British Medical Association stated its position was clear and they were vehemently against a bill being presented before Parliament to address legalisation on the matter of the interpretation and implementation of the Liverpool Care Pathway being redefined and the parameters expanded to cater for NHS-administered euthanasia.

BMA Chairman, Dr Chlamydia Mingerot, informed one reporter from the Undertakers Review that “You won’t see any of our gang lobbying for changes in the law in the UK – otherwise the Big Pharma fascists will throw a fit and there go our kick-backs and freebies."
"Really, do these pro-euthanasia proponents have any idea how much revenue would be lost to the British economy – specifically knocking a major hole in the profits of pharmaceutical and medical treatment racketeering industries in particular if people stop taking our drugs – or suffering months of chemotherapy treatment for their terminal cancers and simply said ‘fuck it’ and popped off down to their local Dignity in Dying centre for a couple of ‘insta-snuff’ pills?”

“Believe me, it’s taken donkeys years to get to this stage of patient medication programming, where the brain-dead public will believe any old bullshit their doctors tell them and take a veritable cocktail of medicines that do them more harm than good – hence the longer we can tag them along to keep taking the tablets is profit in our pockets and not the sodding undertaker’s one-off hit.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

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