Friday, 7 September 2012

Numpty Judge Praises Burglar’s Bottle

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

A Smegmadale Crown Court judge who described a drug-addicted habitual criminal as courageous for his daring night-time forays of break-in and entry into other people’s property has come under a barrage of critical flack from the Crime Victims Support charity – with his sentencing remarks now the subject of an investigation by the judicial watchdog.

Following a ‘guilty as charged’ verdict being returned by the sitting jury, Judge Dinsdale Ffitch-Spatchcock informed the accused, Ronnie McScrote, a 25 year old former skateboard mechanic, that in his opinion he deserved some modicum of admiration for his courage to burglarise several houses in a single night.

“Really, being a great fan of the Strike Back series you have my respect for this display of Special Forces style derring-do. It must take outstanding valour to climb a drainpipe in the middle of the night and break into someone’s house – and not be frightened of the dark - or banging one’s shin or stubbing a toe – or Heaven forbid, cutting oneself on a broken window pane – then having to deal with the possibility of one of those baby-biting Pit Bull terrier things being loose in the premises and catching a dose of rabies – or even worse, coming face to face with some irate troll in curlers wielding a baseball bat and shouting “Make my day, sonny!”

“Your burglary feats would be the toast of my Masonic Lodge gatherings as most of our secret handshake pals simply wouldn't have the nerve to pull a blag and be terrified to stage anything more daring than a game of ‘knock-door-run’. If it was left up to me, then I’d give you a medal for bravery but the law says you have to be punished and so your name’s going in the Naughty Book.”

Judge Ffitch-Spatchcock added “Doubtless I’m going to get pilloried for this decision by the Office for Judicial Complaints but I doubt jail’s going to do much good in the way of rehabilitation so it will have to be a dose of unpaid Community Service – plus a one-year driving ban – which I suppose won't stop you stealing cars either.”

Questioned on his views of the Judge’s comments while being interviewed during ITV’s popular prime-time ‘Break-In’ programme yesterday, Libservative Coalition PM Posh Dave Scameron took a breather from preaching his low wages austerity sermon as a core philosophy element of his New World Order religion to join in the swathe of criticism of the sentencing and condemned any and all burglars as the dross of society – the lowest of the low – and lower than a snake’s bollocks, in fact.

“They have no thought for their victims, who wake up in a morning and find their telly gone – and someone’s been eating their porridge and sitting in their favourite armchair – like that skanger Goldilocks character who broke into the Teddy Bears gaff and left an appalling mess for Mrs Bear to clean up.”
“But that’s the problem with the youth of today – too much money from welfare benefits to spend on booze and drugs – and time on their hands being unemployed. But just wait til my Big Society ‘Volunteer’ campaign gets going full steam ahead and it will be community service work or off to a forced labour camp up in the Pennines with them.”

Ms Chlamydia Mingerot QC, director of the Office for Judicial Complaints, informed one press hack from the SHTF Gazette that “This isn’t exactly the first occasion we’ve had problems with Judge Ffitch-Spatchcock as during the trial of the notorious serial killer Genghis Thugarotti - the Croydon cormorant strangler - in 2010, he actually confided to the jury he bore great personal admiration for the blatant audacity of homicidal maniacs and had a photo of Harold Shipman on his office wall – then turned to the accused in the dock and stated for the public record that “I’d really love to murder some of my rude neighbours – the ones with the smoky barbeques and loud rap music playing on their patio, but I simply haven’t got the bottle. You’ll have to give me lessons when you get out.”

Have you got the bottle to break into someone’s house at night? How about the daytime? The odd pensioner mugging, perhaps? What about murders? Ever knocked off any annoying neighbours for letting their dog crap on your lawn and not scooping the poop?

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Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

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