Posh Dave to Cut the ‘Dithering’

In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

Well, it’s back to school for the kids this coming week – and too a return to Westminster for the 650 slack-arsed elitist MPs who just enjoyed a summer break of some 47 days – abroad if they had any sense and far away from of our once-sceptred, rain-swept isle - lavishing their £65,738 quid per annum salaries – plus expenses – on pitchers of tequila sunrise, trophy slapper mistresses and / or Third World catamites – depending on their sexual orientation - while the rest of the UK’s common ‘multi-cultural’ herd fortunate enough to still be gainfully employed make do with 25 days off a year – which is an improvement on the old pre- Magna Carta feudal system of ‘no days off’ – ever.

As Parliament reassembles, Posh Dave Scameron is under orders from his Rothshite crime syndicate bankster and political masters to get his proverbial finger out, cut the 'Me-time' chillaxing and extended lunchtime dining sessions with ginger-mingin ‘hack-meister’ media trolls from Raving Rupert Mudrock’s gutter press empire - and reshuffle the cabinet to rid the pack of jokers and other assorted deadwood – then come up with some scheme to equip his lapsed Big Society ‘Volunteer’ programme with a set of Pitbull gnashers to make sure the millions of apathetic NEETS, currently wandering aimlessly about Broken Britain’s jobless wilderness, are conscripted into a Stalinist style unpaid community service programme – commonly referred to as ‘slave labour’.

So as Dave goes into maximum overdrive ‘austerity’ mode in an attempt to get the economy moving – hopefully ‘upwards’ and not a continuation of the downward spiral kick-started by the incompetent likes of New Labour’s Gordon ‘Incapability’ Brown, Chancellor Alastair Darling and Business Secretary Lord Peter Scandalson (aka Vermin in Ermine) back in 2007 – we, the great unwashed masses, look on with trepidation, wondering if the keystone strategy is to undo the gross mistakes of Thatcherism and re-industrialise the UK, thus restoring the word ‘Great’ as the prefix to ‘Britain’ – or will it turn out to be yet another cat-fucking session of lots of media spin and blather, forming Parliamentary committees, commissioning quangos, looking busy and achieving bugger all – and the prefix remaining as the current ‘Broken’?

Scameron’s Downing Street chief gopher Scabby Bertin, yesterday informed press hacks that her boss had sworn his fealty on the body of a dead heron, under the polarised light of Friday’s full moon and in the presence of a bishop, a judge and a Chelsea Dominatrix, vowing to meet the challenges ahead with a rekindled fighting spirit – and invoke a series of measures designed to promote economic growth to lead the country along the rocky, pot-holed road to post-imperial success.

Interviewed on the BBC’s Andrew ‘Bat-Ears’ Marr programme, Posh Dave added to Scabby’s little pep talk, informing gob-smacked viewers that “We need to be equal to the challenges of the 21st Century and what our masters in Brussels expect of us as a member of the EUSSR. I want a country we are proud to call home not just for this golden month of the Para-Gimpics but all the time – that’s why we’re planning to hold the Olympics in London every year and keep our athletes and disabled chaps fit – and all these G4S oicks on their sodding toes.”

“Just you people watch as we introduce a system of Boris Bikes in every major UK city, then everyone can leave their car at home to get our carbon footprint to zero - and peddle up and down the cycle lanes trying to avoid being side-swiped by buses and trucks. Plus I spoke with Mr Tata in Mumbai the other day and in exchange for British citizenship for him and his extended family he’s willing to build us a million more wind turbines at a favourable discount price.”

“As soon as the House of Conmans gets back into the swing of things this week I’m going to be having a word with Chancellor Osborne to take a walk round to Eye of the Needle Street and have a chat with Uncle Mervyn at the Bank of England - to keep his presses rolling and boost the economy with a spot more quantitative easing.”

“And forget all this stop-gap bizarre talk of Mick Clogg’s and his brain-dead Lib-Dum cohorts, about reforming the Lords and introducing a rich tax – really, how silly can a deputy prime minister get than to think that one’s going to pass muster and work? What we need in the short term are a lot more pikey car boot sales and Pound Stretcher shops opening up.”

“Then we have all these idle-arsed sods, unemployed and claiming welfare benefits, saying they can’t get a job as they’re not qualified to do anything apart from filling out betting shop slips at Flatbrokes and holding some bar up, quaffing pints of Old Headbanger lager all afternoon. Well, have I got a surprise for them as anyone’s whose been out of a job for six months is going on a recycling course to get an NVQ diploma as a qualified ‘Chartered Skip Scavvy’.”

“Oh yes, the Cabinet Nudge Unit’s come up with this spiffing idea and recycling’s going to be part of the jobless solution – same as they do in these Third World shitholes in Africa and south-east Asia – like ants - scrabbling over landfill mountains full of Western-exported crap – but in our case these people can be out, dawn to dusk, rooting through skips and salvaging all manner of good kit that they can sell at car boot sales or on street corners.”

“You know, a key part of our economic recovery strategy when we got into office in 2010 was to build the swathes of affordable new houses that all these homeless people were whingeing about, but then we get the entrenched local opposition and lengthy planning inquiries – with that familiar cry of “We want more houses – but not in my backyard.”
“So what we’re going to do is the same as the Israelis in the occupied West Bank – if the Palestinian donkeys refuse to move to allow the illegal settlers in, then the IDF simply bulldoze the lot and they don’t give a fig about any Boycott, Sanctions and Divestment campaigns – they just get on with it and sod the law.”

“Thus that’s what’s going to happen here with all this greenbelt talk. They re fed up of being homeless and living on landfill sites, well okay. Then I’m afraid if they want me to build them a house the trees have got to come down for firewood, Squirrel Nutkin moves out along with all the birds and the bees, Old McDonald gets his fields requisitioned under a compulsory purchase order, and bye-bye to pissy-arsed Doug and Dave and their silly crop circles as the lot’s going to be urbanised and asphalted over.”

"Frankly I’m so frustrated with trying to be nice to people and especially these coalition wallahs, as all I get for my troubles is a pile of flack and end up the same as Tony Bliar, behaving like some sodding poodle and jumping through hoops.”

“But our main problem remains how to get all these sodding ‘fringe’ non-conformist oicks – the local anti-Christ yobsters and yobettes - to tow the patriotism line and do what their government and the BBC tells them, and not go causing Mr Plod all this extra work with their futile demonstrations and protests and riots against things that we aren’t going to change – like university tuition fees and shooting half-caste scallies – and waging neo-colonial wars of aggression against Third World dumps with lots of natural resources – and conspicuously sat on the perfect strategic spot to build another military base.”

Thoughts for the day. Now there’s a thing – the self-aware, cognisant section of our damaged society, labelled as professional agitators, anarchists and domestic terrorists for questioning the motives of officialdom. Branded as freaks and non-conformist rebels, dissidents, radicals, reactionaries, nihilists and revolutionaries simply due their inherent uniqueness – they can think for themselves, kick ass and have no need nor desire to go ‘Baaa’ and follow the rest of the common herd.

Hmmm, so squatting is now classed as a criminal offence, eh – another ill-conceived idea to get the homeless riff-raff out of des’-res’ London properties for absentee landlords. Pity we don’t apply the Marx / Engles philosophy to the ‘extravagance’ of owning a second / holiday home and criminalise that too.

To wit, under the new Legal Aid, Sentencing and Punishment of Offenders Act, hapless squatters with nowhere to live (but in some fucker’s empty property) face a prison sentence of up to six months - in a nice cosy prison cell, getting three meals per day and a dry, warm bed and a pretty fair compendium of social activities to boot– which sort of defeats the objective as they won’t be trespassing on some draughty shithole that’s in need of a new combi boiler, decorating and a decent stretch of Axminster – plus a double squirt of mega-strength Toilet Duck around the crapper due the last batch of squatters forgetting to flush.

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.