Thursday, 27 September 2012

Home Office Rethinks Crim-Tag Policy

Once again, the latest and the greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.

The gospel according to a report just released by the Ministry for What Can We Fuck With Next claims the current private finance initiative scheme of contracting out the electronic ‘Tag-a-Thug’ monitoring of criminal offenders in England and Wales to the incompetent likes of G4S and Spewco should be restructured, with the entire system returned to the aegis of the Home Office to save zillions of pounds per annum under the draconian budget-slashing edicts of Tory PM Posh Dave Scameron’s ‘austerity’ regimen.

Senior Whitehall civil servant Candida Mingerot, the report's author, explained to a press hack from the Old Lags Gazette that “What this moronic PFI deal has done is present us with a myopic, centrally controlled and top-down scheme that’s served to enrich a couple of the ‘usual suspect’ security contractors.”

“Their approach lacks the innovation and flexibility our own Justice Department and Probation Service is capable of providing - if they get their sodding fingers out - as it’s not necessary to apply the science of predictive analytics to this issue when we can see how it can be done cheaper than the inflated rates G4S and Spewco invoice us.”
“Further, to date, these dodgy PFI contributors have, to my mind, failed to demonstrate their service is value for money or that they do sweet bugger all to reduce re-offending when a probation service officer calls around to the offender’s home address and find the actual tag has been stretched and slid off , then fitted round the leg of the family Rottweiler."

Justice Secretary Chris Graything, newly-appointed to fill the shoes of laterally-demoted centenarian Ken ‘Methuselah’ Clarke, was quick to add his two-penneth, stating for the public record that “New guidelines being introduced call for a smarter, more integrated approach - and that while recognising and being appreciative of the latest technology we are heeding Posh Dave’s call for cuts across all fronts of public spending. Hence rather than see millions of pounds wasted and a real opportunity to cut crime missed - we’re going to go ‘retro’ and re-introduce the good old tried and tested ‘ball and chain’ approach which will most definitely represent the robust alternative we’re seeking, and too be better value for money."

Probation Service director Baz McScrunt, interviewed on the BBC’s popular primetime ‘Jailbird Hour’ programme had this to say.
“Yeah, well obviously we’re gonna have ter continue wiv either the custodial sentences or taggin’ of some sort or the effin’ other as Austerity Dave Scameron’s ‘Hug-a-Hoodie’ campaign went down like a ton of effin’ bricks last year after the Met’s moronic Plod Squad fucked up royally an’ shot Markie Duggan an’ couldn’t find his non-existent gun wot he woz supposed ter have just bought from some scrote at Scally Hamlets in Leyton – an’ all them yobster riots kicked off in defiance of his Big Society utopian pipe dream.”

“Wot we’re getting’ charged by G4S an’ Spewco fer each offender fitted wiv their electronic monitorin’ kit cost £13.14 quid per day in England and Wales, while the equivalent ter fit these scallies wiv a 10 kilo steel ball an’ 6 foot of rusty iron chain shackled ter their ankle cost a mere £1.22 apiece – an’ that equates out at a £70 million nicker per annum savin’.”

“So there yer got it, our new generation taggin’ will promote improved behaviour an’ provide victims wiv the reassurance they deserve cos yer not gonna get any yobsters or scrotes climbin’ through Granny’s window ter burgle her pension book or runnin’ wild in a riot situation or pissin’ off wiv a 42 inch digital-ready flat screen telly out of Curry’s front window when they’ve got ter drag that weight around on the end of their right leg, now are yer.”

Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.

Rusty’s Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) - enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a news sheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby, committed to the relay of open source information – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.

1 comment:

wiggins said...

Coercive Compassion...donja jurst lurve it?